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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 7:34 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
vikz22 wrote:
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.

The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.

(reference http://www.jokes.com/)


moose22 wrote:
Two old ladys having a chat on a street corner...

Suddenly, a naked man runs past..

One old lady has a stroke, and the other wasn't quick enough!


Ahem.... :-P (see page 5 of this thread ;) )

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 7:58 pm 
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moose22 wrote:
vikz22 wrote:
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.

The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.

(reference http://www.jokes.com/)


moose22 wrote:
Two old ladys having a chat on a street corner...

Suddenly, a naked man runs past..

One old lady has a stroke, and the other wasn't quick enough!


Ahem.... :-P (see page 5 of this thread ;) )


ops :blush:


It's predicted that by 2025 you'll be no more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.

(hope that one isn't taken :) )


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 10:46 pm 
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Ref the post above.

New kid turns up at camp. Mid evening, some one shuts '23, 2' and every one breaks out laughing.
Strange he thought, but carried on with what he was doing. Half hour later someone shouts '17, 3' and every one breaks out laughing again.

He thought, what is up here then? and asked a person near him.

Ah, he replies, you are new of course so you wouldn't know.

We only have one joke book here, and everyone has heard them so many times we all know the book so well, we just say the page number and which one it is.

He says can I have a go. Of course he is told. so he waits until things are silent and shouts '23, 5'.

There were one or two muffled titters, but in general , nothing.
He turns to the same guy and says, why didnt they laugh when I said it?
To which he got the reply, you didnt get the Irish accent right in the second part

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 11:43 pm 
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1 in 6 mates are hated by the other 5.

I can't wait to find out who it is when the guys come back from their lads' holiday.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 11:59 pm 
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Statistically 1 in 5 men is gay, which is weird because I play in a 5 a side football team so one of us must be gay.

I hope it's Dave, he's gorgeous.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 10:49 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
Statistically 1 in 5 men is gay, which is weird because I play in a 5 a side football team so one of us must be gay.

I hope it's Dave, he's gorgeous.

:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 12:37 pm 
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Woman goes to a takeaway pizza and orders.

The lad says 'how do you want it cut? 6 8 or 12 slices'
She heplies 'Oh just 6, I could never eat 12 slices of pizza'

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 12:46 pm 
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I've put a webcam in my elderly grandma's house so I can see if she has a fall or an accident.

Since losing my job, I'm now relying on You've Been Framed for my income

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 1:01 pm 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."

Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"

The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor an friend!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2012 6:26 pm 
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Did you know the diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in the genes.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2012 6:31 pm 
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Old guy near me had a birthday gift from the lads in the club. They had a whipround and hired a 'girl' to give him what he had been missing. Apparently she knocks his door and says Hi, I'm Mandy, I come to give you super sex.

He goes silent for a few seconds as if thinking then asks 'what sort of soup is it'?

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2012 6:31 pm 
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I cant do knock knock jokes here or Yo Mamma. Can I?

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2012 6:33 pm 
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Race2win wrote:
I cant do knock knock jokes here or Yo Mamma. Can I?


Go on, risk it :twisted:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2012 7:09 pm 
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I got a couple,
Mom: What did you learn at school today?
Son: We learnt how to write.
Mom: Great, what did you write?
Son: I dont know they havent taught us to read yet.

Teacher: Ryan, name 4 members of the cat family.
Ryan: Daddy Cat, Mommy Cat and 2 Kittens

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2012 11:32 pm 
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moby wrote:
Race2win wrote:
I cant do knock knock jokes here or Yo Mamma. Can I?


Go on, risk it :twisted:


Someone said that to me 3 pages ago. It didn't end too well. :-|

I'm sure knock knock jokes are alright, unless they happen to involve that maths teacher who ran off with one of his pupils.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 12:42 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
moby wrote:
Race2win wrote:
I cant do knock knock jokes here or Yo Mamma. Can I?


Go on, risk it :twisted:


Someone said that to me 3 pages ago. It didn't end too well. :-|

I'm sure knock knock jokes are alright, unless they happen to involve that maths teacher who ran off with one of his pupils.



if only you had free rein banana man, the jokes you would write would be hilarious!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 4:38 pm 
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My gay friend says he is talking to his pals again now. He gave them the cold shoulder after the Halloween trip.
They were hiding and jumping out shouting boo, banging things behind him scarring him in the bathrobe, and putting the willies up him all night.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 6:08 pm 
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What's the worst thing you can do to a blind person?

Leave the plunger in their toilet.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 7:12 pm 
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I was visiting someone in hospital the other day and whilst there I saw a toddler in intensive care playing with a toy donkey.

ICU baby, shakin' that donkey!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 9:30 pm 
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Q, Why do farts smell?

A. for the benefit of deaf people

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 9:34 pm 
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My wifes friend is Australian. We were walking through a UK town, and passed a pelican crossing.
She heard the 'beep beep beep' and asked what it was?
I explained that it was for blind people so that they knew the traffic light was on red.

She said 'Isn't that dangerous?, I dont think we let blind people drive in Australia'

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 9:43 pm 
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moby wrote:
Q, Why do farts smell?

A. for the benefit of deaf people




:lol: :lol: :lol:

CLASS!!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 02, 2012 5:26 am 
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My good lady wife (eventually) managed to see the funny side of the text I sent her whilst in a business trip in Romania last month in which I put Having a grand time, wish you were here and managed to omit the final e from it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 02, 2012 9:59 am 
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Not a joke as such, but I laughed at it. The wife was reading her kindle in bed, and I thought she may have dropped of, so thought I would put her comfy. I whisper 'are you reading that' She whispers back, 'no, just watching it to see what it does when I'm sleeping'

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 04, 2012 11:28 am 
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A teenager had a crush on a girl all throughout highschool, and he finally decides to ask her to the prom, to which she agreed. Two weeks before the prom, he went to rent a tuxedo. When he got to the tuxedo store, there was a long line. He decided to wait anyway, and he got his tuxedo. A week before the prom, he went to go rent a limo. When he arrived at the limo place there was a huge line, but he decided to wait anyway to get his limo. On the day of prom, he went to buy a corsage. When he got to the floral store, there was a huge line. He decided to wait anyway, and he bought his date a corsage. During the night of prom everything was going well. They were dancing and having a good time. The girl whispered into his ear to ask if he would go get her some punch. The young man looked over to the punch table and there was no punchline.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 04, 2012 11:47 am 
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I saw an old friend last night. It seems I only see him this time of year and I recalled it was New Years Eve I last saw him.
Anyone doing resolutions this year?

We inevitably got to discussing 'New Year Resolutions' and I asked him if he was doing any. He said

Yeh, Smoking. I gotta stop smoking.

I reminded him he had said the same for several years, but he said he was serious this time.
Amy more I said, He replied jokingly, Yeh, I should stop masturbating too. A guy my age like its not right.
We had a good laugh.




Soooo. Last night I said, "how did your resolutions go last year'?. Not too bad he said. I'm down to about 5 a day now most days. Good, I said what about the other part.

Oh that he said, I still smoke like a bloody chimney, no change there.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 05, 2012 7:03 pm 
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Tampax are replacing the string on their tampons with tinsel. However this will be for the Christmas period only.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 05, 2012 7:10 pm 
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Asphalt_World wrote:
Tampax are replacing the string on their tampons with tinsel. However this will be for the Christmas period only.



:lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 2:09 am 
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"What are you watching?"

"Loose Women."

"Who's on this week?"

"They haven't stopped moaning, so I'm guessing all four of them."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 5:23 am 
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There is a plane carrying 500 bricks when 1 falls out, how many are left?
Spoiler: show
499

How do you fit an Elephant into a fridge?
Spoiler: show
You open the door, put in the Elephant then close the door

How do you fit a Giraffe into a fridge?
Spoiler: show
You open the door, take out the Elephant, put in the Giraffe then close the door

A Lion is having a party and all the animals are invited, who doesn't attend?
Spoiler: show
The Giraffe, because he's in the fridge

An old lady is trying to cross a Crocodile infested lake, how can she cross?
Spoiler: show
Just go through the lake, the Crocodiles are at the Lions party

How does the old lady die?
Spoiler: show
She gets hit on the head by a falling brick

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 11:23 am 
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Location: Bangor, Gwynedd, Wales
Clever, I like it!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 8:54 pm 
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Q. Why is Christmas like being at work?

A. You do all the hard graft and the fat bloke in the suit gets all the credit.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 9:37 pm 
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Thanks to all who have contributed to this thread...

I'm having right old laugh at some great jokes. Well done, keep em' coming :lol: :thumbup:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 9:49 am 
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Some one liners

'I'm on the new whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

'This F1 Forum lark's a wonderful hobby. I've got friends all over the world, all over the world... none in this country, but friends all over the world.'



'The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. (Joan Rivers)

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 11:15 am 
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moby wrote:
'The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. (Joan Rivers)

Time so start smiling, methinks :P

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 11:21 am 
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I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example there are 3,500 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head...

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 11:57 am 
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Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 8:01 pm 
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A man was drowned in a bowl of museli. It appears that he may have been dragged under by a strong currant.

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Last edited by tootsie323 on Sat Dec 08, 2012 6:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 12:04 am 
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DrG wrote:
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."

Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"

The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor an friend!"


LOL, didn't see that one coming. Nice one.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:19 am 
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Guy goes to the doctor with bloody bandaged head and a black eye etc, tells the doctor he was duffed by a six foot beetle.

Doc says , Ah yes, there is a nasty bug about.

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