planetf1.com

Life is full of strange little ironies. For example, I always thought my mum would walk in on me masturbating...

_________________
I remember when this website was all fields.

can she walk masturbating?

_________________
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Marx (Groucho)

Erm he walked in on her....

_________________
minus Vettel

Not sure that actually needed explaining MM

_________________
Copper Masked Sunrise
http://tufty1992.wordpress.com/
P-F1 PHOTO COMPETITION: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=7089&p=271860#p271860
http://www.justgiving.com/CIN-Mystery-P ... 00b9467dcb

What is a one legged Sikh called? Balan Singh

_________________
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Marx (Groucho)

I've been watching these BBC sex abuse allegations with keen interest. If Des O'Connor gets arrested my accumulator pays out.

_________________
I remember when this website was all fields.

My money is on Larry Grayson

_________________
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Marx (Groucho)

I once won an award for my punctuation.

They gave me a posh trophy.

_________________
#ANYONEBUTVETTEL2013

Pick 10 Competition 2013: Current Championship Standing = 21st with 597 points
Pick 10 Podiums: USA 2012 - 1st Place with 205 points

Old women are always saying that young men these days aren't as helpful and polite as they used to be. They don't seem to realise this is because the young men aren't trying to sh*g them any more.

_________________
I remember when this website was all fields.

Banana Man, you are on fire! Haha, keep em coming

My dad had the right idea.

He told me: sha*g em' on the end of a cliff; that way you know they're pushing back!

_________________
Everyday you know more.

You're sig has never been more appropriate.

_________________

Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier if all my clothes in it weren't so FABULOUS!!

_________________
I remember when this website was all fields.

What do you call a dog with 2 d*cks?

NDubz

_________________
I remember when this website was all fields.

"We need to talk..."

Thought the caveman.

_________________
"You are the universe expressing itself as a Human for a little while..."

A policeman stops this car. Goes around to the driver and starts talking while writing in his notepad:


- So we have a broken rear left indicator. Broken rear left brake light. Hole in exhaust. Worn rear tyres. Up to now I'd say at least £400...


To which the man replies:

- I don't care about the money. Just tell me, when can you have it ready for?

Enjoyed this.



I like this too. This is getting texted to a few pals.

A couple are Christmas shopping in a packed shopping centre only for the wife to suddenly realise her husband has disappeared.

Calling him on his mobile, he answers & says in a calm voice: "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford & I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife chokes up & says with a faltering voice, "Yes, I remember."

"I’m in the bar right next to it."

I hid my Wife's Christmas present in her own drawer.

The one where she keeps her sexy lingerie she used to wear...

She'll never look in there. Ever.

_________________
#ANYONEBUTVETTEL2013

Pick 10 Competition 2013: Current Championship Standing = 21st with 597 points
Pick 10 Podiums: USA 2012 - 1st Place with 205 points

I hid mine in the salad tray in the fridge for pretty much the same reason. Fat b*tch.

_________________
I remember when this website was all fields.

_________________
Use every man after his desert, and who should scape whipping? Use them after your own honour and dignity.

Maria de Villota

I'm going into hospital tomorrow for a small operation, I'm having a mole removed from my penis. It's nothing serious but the RSPCA say if it happens again they will press charges.

_________________
I remember when this website was all fields.

New meaning to molested...

When Brendan Rogers said he thought Liverpool could finish 2nd this year, I didn't realise he meant in every game.

_________________
#ANYONEBUTVETTEL2013

Pick 10 Competition 2013: Current Championship Standing = 21st with 597 points
Pick 10 Podiums: USA 2012 - 1st Place with 205 points

Hey, my boy made me laugh the other day..

He said to me in a loud voice: "Dad...WHAT'S A CU*T?"

I said, "keep your fuc*ing voice down now"

"WHAT'S A CU*T DAD"?

"I give you such a slapping in a minute", I told him.

"COME HERE!"

I took him upstairs where his mom was having a lie down......pulled the duvet back and said: "You see that black traingle there? That's a fanny.....your mother's a cu*t!"

_________________
Everyday you know more.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin".

She fuc*ing hates me..... she really fuc*ing hates me I tell ya!!

She sat up all night watching the Alfred Hitchcock movie The Birds.

Next morning I woke up windows open and I'm covered in breadcrumbs.

_________________
Everyday you know more.

Being an insomniac isn't all that bad...

For example, its 0 more sleeps till Christmas!

_________________
#ANYONEBUTVETTEL2013

Pick 10 Competition 2013: Current Championship Standing = 21st with 597 points
Pick 10 Podiums: USA 2012 - 1st Place with 205 points

Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!

_________________
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

Couple of cheesey ones here......

Why did the Masseuse leave work early?
She wasn't feeling herself!

Why did the Fish only care about itself?
It was Shellfish!

Did you hear about the conjoined twins that won the lottery?
They were beside themselves!

I've just lost my phone, and wanted to get a message out to whoever may have found it.

I can explain the photos on the phone. My hamster had come down with hypothermia and I needed to get it inside something warm, fast! Honest!

_________________
"You are the universe expressing itself as a Human for a little while..."

I can relate to that one! Maybe 2 or 3 at the most

_________________
Copper Masked Sunrise
http://tufty1992.wordpress.com/
P-F1 PHOTO COMPETITION: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=7089&p=271860#p271860
http://www.justgiving.com/CIN-Mystery-P ... 00b9467dcb

textfromdog.tumblr.com/

I'm just gonna put that out there...

_________________
"You are the universe expressing itself as a Human for a little while..."

Inappropriate post removed.

I've decided my new years resolution is going to be; date more supermodels.
Well, actually I'd like to date a supermodel.
Well, actually I'd just like to find a girlfriend.
Well, actually I just want to stop crying whilst I masturbate.

P.S. Bye Chriso, been nice knowing you.

_________________
I remember when this website was all fields.

this is riské but here goes:

my application to a match making website was rejected recently

i failed question #14 "what do you like most in a woman"



apparently "My Dick" was not an acceptable answer

(http://cheezburger.com/6880784896)

Don't worry, that's not the most risque thing on this page... Chriso...

Quite.

Vikz22 - not too riske, I can assure you.

_________________


I've run out of patience with tyre threads. There is an official one: USE IT.

I don't like One Direction fans.

I need to cool my entire room down but this thing only points one way.

_________________
#ANYONEBUTVETTEL2013

Pick 10 Competition 2013: Current Championship Standing = 21st with 597 points
Pick 10 Podiums: USA 2012 - 1st Place with 205 points

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says, ''It's dark in here''
The man replies, ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''