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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 1:29 pm 
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Life is full of strange little ironies. For example, I always thought my mum would walk in on me masturbating...

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 7:29 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
Life is full of strange little ironies. For example, I always thought my mum would walk in on me masturbating...



can she walk masturbating?

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2012 8:26 am 
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Erm he walked in on her....

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2012 1:06 pm 
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Location: Bangor, Gwynedd, Wales
Not sure that actually needed explaining MM :P

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2012 11:50 pm 
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What is a one legged Sikh called? Balan Singh

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 12:51 am 
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I've been watching these BBC sex abuse allegations with keen interest. If Des O'Connor gets arrested my accumulator pays out.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 10:37 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
I've been watching these BBC sex abuse allegations with keen interest. If Des O'Connor gets arrested my accumulator pays out.


My money is on Larry Grayson

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 11:00 am 
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I once won an award for my punctuation.

They gave me a posh trophy.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 1:42 pm 
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Old women are always saying that young men these days aren't as helpful and polite as they used to be. They don't seem to realise this is because the young men aren't trying to sh*g them any more.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 2:10 pm 
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Banana Man, you are on fire! Haha, keep em coming


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 9:11 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
My dad had the right idea.

He told me: sha*g em' on the end of a cliff; that way you know they're pushing back!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 9:54 pm 
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moose22 wrote:
My dad had the right idea.

He told me: sha*g em' on the end of a cliff; that way you know they're pushing back!



You're sig has never been more appropriate. :D

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2012 11:57 am 
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Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier if all my clothes in it weren't so FABULOUS!!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2012 2:21 pm 
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What do you call a dog with 2 d*cks?

NDubz

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 12, 2012 4:14 pm 
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Location: Wrexham, UK
"We need to talk..."

Thought the caveman.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 9:49 am 
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A policeman stops this car. Goes around to the driver and starts talking while writing in his notepad:


- So we have a broken rear left indicator. Broken rear left brake light. Hole in exhaust. Worn rear tyres. Up to now I'd say at least £400...


To which the man replies:

- I don't care about the money. Just tell me, when can you have it ready for?

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 1:26 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
What do you call a dog with 2 d*cks?

NDubz


Enjoyed this.

jammin78 wrote:
"We need to talk..."

Thought the caveman.


I like this too. This is getting texted to a few pals.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 8:15 am 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
A couple are Christmas shopping in a packed shopping centre only for the wife to suddenly realise her husband has disappeared.

Calling him on his mobile, he answers & says in a calm voice: "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford & I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife chokes up & says with a faltering voice, "Yes, I remember."

"I’m in the bar right next to it."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 10:48 am 
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I hid my Wife's Christmas present in her own drawer.

The one where she keeps her sexy lingerie she used to wear...

She'll never look in there. Ever.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 4:03 pm 
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I hid mine in the salad tray in the fridge for pretty much the same reason. Fat b*tch.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 5:38 pm 
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Location: Belgium
DrG wrote:
A couple are Christmas shopping in a packed shopping centre only for the wife to suddenly realise her husband has disappeared.

Calling him on his mobile, he answers & says in a calm voice: "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford & I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife chokes up & says with a faltering voice, "Yes, I remember."

"I’m in the bar right next to it."

:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 6:02 pm 
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I'm going into hospital tomorrow for a small operation, I'm having a mole removed from my penis. It's nothing serious but the RSPCA say if it happens again they will press charges.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2012 5:38 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
I'm going into hospital tomorrow for a small operation, I'm having a mole removed from my penis. It's nothing serious but the RSPCA say if it happens again they will press charges.


New meaning to molested...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 16, 2012 10:58 am 
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When Brendan Rogers said he thought Liverpool could finish 2nd this year, I didn't realise he meant in every game.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 16, 2012 11:55 am 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
Hey, my boy made me laugh the other day..

He said to me in a loud voice: "Dad...WHAT'S A CU*T?"

I said, "keep your fuc*ing voice down now"

"WHAT'S A CU*T DAD"?

"I give you such a slapping in a minute", I told him.

"COME HERE!"

I took him upstairs where his mom was having a lie down......pulled the duvet back and said: "You see that black traingle there? That's a fanny.....your mother's a cu*t!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 16, 2012 12:03 pm 
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin".


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 16, 2012 12:09 pm 
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She fuc*ing hates me..... she really fuc*ing hates me I tell ya!!

She sat up all night watching the Alfred Hitchcock movie The Birds.

Next morning I woke up windows open and I'm covered in breadcrumbs.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 10:05 am 
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Being an insomniac isn't all that bad...

For example, its 0 more sleeps till Christmas!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 10:21 am 
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Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 11:11 am 
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Couple of cheesey ones here......

Why did the Masseuse leave work early?
She wasn't feeling herself!

Why did the Fish only care about itself?
It was Shellfish!

Did you hear about the conjoined twins that won the lottery?
They were beside themselves!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 11:20 am 
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Location: Wrexham, UK
I've just lost my phone, and wanted to get a message out to whoever may have found it.

I can explain the photos on the phone. My hamster had come down with hypothermia and I needed to get it inside something warm, fast! Honest!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 1:09 pm 
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Location: Bangor, Gwynedd, Wales
coulthards chin wrote:
Being an insomniac isn't all that bad...

For example, its 0 more sleeps till Christmas!

I can relate to that one! Maybe 2 or 3 at the most :lol:

jammin78 wrote:
I've just lost my phone, and wanted to get a message out to whoever may have found it.

I can explain the photos on the phone. My hamster had come down with hypothermia and I needed to get it inside something warm, fast! Honest!

:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 2:20 pm 
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textfromdog.tumblr.com/

I'm just gonna put that out there...

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 3:01 pm 
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Inappropriate post removed.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 3:13 pm 
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I've decided my new years resolution is going to be; date more supermodels.
Well, actually I'd like to date a supermodel.
Well, actually I'd just like to find a girlfriend.
Well, actually I just want to stop crying whilst I masturbate.

P.S. Bye Chriso, been nice knowing you.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 3:52 pm 
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this is riské but here goes:

my application to a match making website was rejected recently

i failed question #14 "what do you like most in a woman"



apparently "My Dick" was not an acceptable answer

(http://cheezburger.com/6880784896)


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 1:29 am 
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vikz22 wrote:
this is riské but here goes:


Don't worry, that's not the most risque thing on this page... Chriso...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 1:40 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
P.S. Bye Chriso, been nice knowing you.

Quite.

Vikz22 - not too riske, I can assure you.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 11:26 am 
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I don't like One Direction fans.

I need to cool my entire room down but this thing only points one way.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2012 12:09 pm 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says, ''It's dark in here''
The man replies, ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that fairy cakes again!''


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