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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2012 11:52 pm 
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I've bought my wife an Anne Summers goody bag to try and improve our sex life. There's f**k all in it, I just want her to wear it over her head.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 12:16 am 
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Q. Why is Santa always so happy?

A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 5:53 pm 
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4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas.

The second guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift!

The third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "wat about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy.

the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:32 am 
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MrMuttley wrote:
4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas.

The second guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift!

The third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "wat about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy.

the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.

:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:50 am 
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A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 3:19 am 
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The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes , ' whispered the child,'a policeman .. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' 'No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?''A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME . '

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 2:08 pm 
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I hate it when you're typing something whilst thinking about something else and you end up subconciously typing what you were boobs.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 7:32 pm 
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What's Gary Glitter's favourite chord?

A Minor


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:59 am 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
A man walks into a café, goes to the bar & orders a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that’ll be one cent."
"One cent!" the man exclaimed.
"How much for a nice juicy steak & a bottle of wine?"
"Ten cents," the barman replies.
"Ten cents? Where’s the guy who owns the place?"
The bartender replies: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asks: "What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies: "The same thing I’m doing to his business down here."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 2:02 pm 
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The fact that men are expecting the perfect woman is Playboy's fault.
The fact that women are expecting the perfect man is Disney's!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 2:26 pm 
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Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 2:59 pm 
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:lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 3:03 pm 
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Nicely done ManojHS.

Enjoyed that one.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 5:44 pm 
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An old joke....

On a bitterly cold winters evening somewhere in northern Alaska and Canada, a man happened to be driving some where, when all of a sudden, his car grinds to a halt. He checks everything, but is unable to identify the problem. So he dials 911. A few minutes later a police officer comes by.

The stranded man explains the situation to the officer. The officer takes a look around the car, walks over to the stranded man and says to him "Son, it looks like you've blown a seal" to which the man replies "Huh, that's just some ice on my moustache".


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 6:00 pm 
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Mansfield made a very touching tribute to the Hillsborough victims by leaving 96 seats empty for the Liverpool game.

Portsmouth are planning to make a similar tribute to the victims of bubonic plague this weekend.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 9:44 am 
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"Jump in and I'll take you home" I said to my dwarf neighbour when I saw him sat at the bus-stop earlier.

"F**K you!" He replied.

"Suit yourself then," I said as I straightened up my rucksack and carried on walking home.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 7:04 pm 
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I read in the News this morning that they've just performed an exorcism in Ireland.

A woman had to call in a demon to get the priest out of her son.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 7:47 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
Mansfield made a very touching tribute to the Hillsborough victims by leaving 96 seats empty for the Liverpool game.

Portsmouth are planning to make a similar tribute to the victims of bubonic plague this weekend.

:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 12:56 am 
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NATO armed forces are holding a training week on Salisbury Plain. The first exercise is all about survival training. The instructor explains, "you will each go out into the forest and catch one rabbit to eat for dinner. Bear in mind this is a combat scenario so the objective is to be as quick and discrete as possible."

First up it's the SAS. Night vision goggles on, sniper rifles. They disappear silently into the forest. After 10 minutes of silence they appear out of nowhere with a dead rabbit. Bullet hole straight between it's eyes. "Perfect," says the instructor, "10 points, now go and cook the rabbit."

Next up it's the Paratroop Regiment. The paras finish off their lager, slap on some camo cream and grab some cricket bats and wooden sticks. They trample off noisly into the forest. For half an hour there is nothing but a lot angry shouting and very bad language before they emerge with the beaten remains of a rabbit. The instructor says, "well you made a lot of noise but 27 minutes, that's still a quick time. Go and cook the rabbit."

Next up it's the CIA. Black suits, sunglasses on. They straighten their ties, pick up their briefcases and walk purposefully into the forest. Nothing happens for nearly 4 hours, then the agents emerge with a squirrel. It has been badly beaten and is wearing handcuffs and an orange boiler suit. The instructors says to them, "not good enough. You took nearly 4 hours and I said to get a rabbit, you've got a squirrel."

One of the agents kicks the squirrel and he says, "alright, alright, I'll admit it. I'm a rabbit."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 4:14 am 
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@ Banana Man: LMAO :)

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. But by the end you wish you had a club and spade.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:00 pm 
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Breaking News: David Villa has joined Aston Villa, Antonio Valencia has been bought by Valencia, Nile Ranger is now at Rangers and Danny Shittu has joined Liverpool.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:24 pm 
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Emile_Heskey wrote:
Breaking News: David Villa has joined Aston Villa, Antonio Valencia has been bought by Valencia, Nile Ranger is now at Rangers and Danny Shittu has joined Liverpool.

:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 12:11 pm 
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Half a million road crashes 'caused by women drivers applying make-up'.


Now you know why airliners employ men!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 12:12 pm 
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To female drivers:

You know the personal mirror for the make-up? If you push it a bit upwards, you can see the cars/traffic behind you! Is that cool or what?

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 9:23 am 
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My Protestant girlfriend just bought a pair of Union Jack knickers.

Every time I take them down there's a all hail the mods protest.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 11:36 am 
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SchumieRules wrote:
To female drivers:

You know the personal mirror for the make-up? If you push it a bit upwards, you can see the cars/traffic behind you! Is that cool or what?


Incidentally, if you've ever wondered what a girl would look like if she was a blow up doll, just watch her putting on mascara.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 1:08 pm 
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Not a joke, but a funny quote: "The internet has gotten significantly better since Russians started buying video cameras."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 12:34 am 
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I've just checked the best before date on the Tesco burgers in my fridge... and they're off.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 8:26 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
I've just checked the best before date on the Tesco burgers in my fridge... and they're off.


Haha, I was waiting for something like this!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 11:11 am 
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Someone also mentioned here:

Tesco burgers, low in fat, high in Shergar!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 1:17 pm 
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Also a new range from another supermarket. My Lidl Pony.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 1:19 pm 
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I just tried to buy some more online and it said, "Add to cart"

I'm going to get as many as I can, I doubt they will be on sale furlong.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 1:37 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
I just tried to buy some more online and it said, "Add to cart"

I'm going to get as many as I can, I doubt they will be on sale furlong.



i can't eat them anymore, they give me the trotts


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 2:03 pm 
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I think someone may be sending me death threats. Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 2:32 pm 
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Has anyone tested Tesco's veggie burgers for uniquorn yet?


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 2:39 pm 
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thinking about betting on the grand national this year, 10-1 on tescos finest


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 3:00 pm 
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Image

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Disclaimer: The above post maybe tongue in cheek.

"I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 5:47 pm 
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Johnston wrote:
Image

that would be better with a sound track:

My lovely horse running through the..........mincer!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 12:49 am 
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Just popped into Tesco to get some supplies for the weekend. Got a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lambs and a packet of burgers.

So that's white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 10:04 am 
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MrMuttley wrote:
Has anyone tested Tesco's veggie burgers for uniquorn yet?

Subtle, and ignored by most. the way I like em :thumbup:

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