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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 10:55 am 
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I was in Tesco's cafe earlier and the girl asked if I wanted to put anything else on my burger.

i said. "Yeah a fiver each way."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 10:59 am 
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Tesco have recalled 10.000 pairs of leggings as they have traces of camel foot in them.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 11:33 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 1:54 pm 
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On the topic...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCqkfRkTqCQ

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 12:14 am 
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Just saw this along with the comment:
"sorry boss i was going to come to work today but some dick blocked me in": show
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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 5:10 am 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks,
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed,
Pull out my chair and hold my hand,
Massage my feet and help me stand,
Oh send a king to make me queen,
A man who loves to cook and clean,
I pray this man will love no other,
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking...
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a fairy cakes.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 12:23 pm 
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Posts: 1294
Location: Sydney, Australia
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 1:31 pm 
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Posts: 2873
Apparently the tesco burgers had cancer causing drugs in them.

So a spoonful of shergar really does make the medicine go down...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 5:09 pm 
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Posts: 29
One for programmers.

from http://www.ioccc.org/1990 the IOCCC International Obfuscated C Code Contest. This program obtained the "best layout" award.

Selected notes from the author:

This is a "Picking the Daisy" simulation. Now, instead of mangling a
daisy, simply run this program with the number of petals desired as
the argument.

This is a good counter-example to peoples' complaints that C doesn't
have an "English-like" syntax.

Lint complains about everything - null effect, xxx may be used before
set, statement not reached, return(e) and return. Lint dumps core
on some systems. My personal favorite lint complaint is

"warning: eroticism unused in function main".

Also obviously, (char)lotte and (char*)lie are incompatible types...

Copyright (c) 1990, Landon Curt Noll & Larry Bassel.
All Rights Reserved. Permission for personal, educational or non-profit use is
granted provided this this copyright and notice are included in its entirety
and remains unaltered. All other uses must receive prior permission in writing
from both Landon Curt Noll and Larry Bassel.

char*lie;
double time, me= !0XFACE,
not; int rested, get, out;
main(ly, die) char ly, **die ;{
signed char lotte,

dear; (char)lotte--;
for(get= !me;; not){
1 - out & out ;lie;{
char lotte, my= dear,
**let= !!me *!not+ ++die;
(char*)(lie=

"The gloves are OFF this time, I detest you, snot\n\0sed GEEK!");
do {not= *lie++ & 0xF00L* !me;
#define love (char*)lie -
love 1s *!(not= atoi(let
[get -me?
(char)lotte-

(char)lotte: my- *love -
'I' - *love - 'U' -
'I' - (long) - 4 - 'U' ])- !!
(time =out= 'a'));} while( my - dear
&& 'I'-1l -get- 'a'); break;}}
(char)*lie++;

(char)*lie++, (char)*lie++; hell:0, (char)*lie;
get *out* (short)ly -0-'R'- get- 'a'^rested;
do {auto*eroticism,
that; puts(*( out
- 'c'
-('P'-'S') +die+ -2 ));}while(!"you're at it");

for (*((char*)&lotte)^=
(char)lotte; (love ly) [(char)++lotte+
!!0xBABE];){ if ('I' -lie[ 2 +(char)lotte]){ 'I'-1l ***die; }
else{ if ('I' * get *out* ('I'-1l **die[ 2 ])) *((char*)&lotte) -=
'4' - ('I'-1l); not; for(get=!

get; !out; (char)*lie & 0xD0- !not) return!!
(char)lotte;}

(char)lotte;
do{ not* putchar(lie [out
*!not* !!me +(char)lotte]);
not; for(;!'a';);}while(
love (char*)lie);{

register this; switch( (char)lie
[(char)lotte] -1s *!out) {
char*les, get= 0xFF, my; case' ':
*((char*)&lotte) += 15; !not +(char)*lie*'s';
this +1s+ not; default: 0xF +(char*)lie;}}}
get - !out;
if (not--)
goto hell;
exit( (char)lotte);}


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2013 2:59 am 
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I've decided to start eating burgers again.

The clincher was that wise old advise about getting back on the horse...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2013 12:16 pm 
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Being Dutch is like winning the Tour De France. Riding around on bikes, off your face on drugs.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2013 1:17 pm 
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Location: Dominion of Canada
Banana Man wrote:
Being Dutch is like winning the Tour De France. Riding around on bikes, off your face on drugs.

9GAG! ;)
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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2013 10:53 pm 
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Just seen a nun sitting on the shoulders of a jester.

It was virgin on the ridiculous.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 12:35 pm 
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Posts: 1294
Location: Sydney, Australia
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 12:38 pm 
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Oxymorons are basically complicated

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:08 pm 
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coulthards chin wrote:
Oxymorons are basically complicated



brilliant! :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 1:03 pm 
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Posts: 605
Location: Chicago, Illinois, USA
Even though it is not a Lotus paintjob, we have the official Kimi Raikkonen Super Bowl private Limo.
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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2013 6:59 pm 
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A pregnant woman sustains head injuries in an accident and is knocked into a coma.

6 months later she wakes up in hospital and the doctor tells her, "good news, whilst you were in a coma we delivered 2 healthy babies via c-section. You've got twins. Since you were in a coma, your brother chose the names to put on the birth certificate."

The woman replies, "Oh no, not my brother. He's a complete flippin' idiot he will have given them really stupid names."

"Ok," says the doctor, "well your daughter is called Denise."

"I suppose that's not too bad actually," says the woman. "What's the boy called."



and the doctor replies....





"Denephew!!!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2013 7:04 pm 
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I got attacked by a group of skin heads walking through town today. I managed to knock one out. Bit of a strange time to have a w*nk but I managed it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:30 am 
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Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2006 2:35 pm
Posts: 325
Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
Banana Man wrote:
A pregnant woman sustains head injuries in an accident and is knocked into a coma.

6 months later she wakes up in hospital and the doctor tells her, "good news, whilst you were in a coma we delivered 2 healthy babies via c-section. You've got twins. Since you were in a coma, your brother chose the names to put on the birth certificate."

The woman replies, "Oh no, not my brother. He's a complete flippin' idiot he will have given them really stupid names."

"Ok," says the doctor, "well your daughter is called Denise."

"I suppose that's not too bad actually," says the woman. "What's the boy called."



and the doctor replies....





"Denephew!!!"
Banana Man wrote:
A pregnant woman sustains head injuries in an accident and is knocked into a coma.

6 months later she wakes up in hospital and the doctor tells her, "good news, whilst you were in a coma we delivered 2 healthy babies via c-section. You've got twins. Since you were in a coma, your brother chose the names to put on the birth certificate."

The woman replies, "Oh no, not my brother. He's a complete flippin' idiot he will have given them really stupid names."

"Ok," says the doctor, "well your daughter is called Denise."

"I suppose that's not too bad actually," says the woman. "What's the boy called."



and the doctor replies....





"Denephew!!!"

Denephew :lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:44 am 
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Posts: 325
Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
A bloke wakes from an operation to find a doctor standing over him.

Doctor: Morning. I've some good news and some bad news for you Mr Jones..

Really?

Doctor: Yes, you see, I'm afraid we cut both your feet off by mistake.

OH fairy cakes! Well, what's the good news then?

Doctor: The bloke in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 3:51 pm 
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Tesco have had to withdraw their range of fish fingers after they were found to contain seahorse meat.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 3:54 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
Tesco have had to withdraw their range of fish fingers after they were found to contain seahorse meat.


Text that to my brothers, it amused me.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 5:54 pm 
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mac_d wrote:
Banana Man wrote:
Tesco have had to withdraw their range of fish fingers after they were found to contain seahorse meat.


Text that to my brothers, it amused me.



Text that to my mates, it also amused me


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 11:25 pm 
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The body of Richard III was found burried under a car park next to Tesco in Leicester. Looks like he will get that horse he wanted after all.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:44 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
The body of Richard III was found burried under a car park next to Tesco in Leicester. Looks like he will get that horse he wanted after all.


That's two jokes of yours I have had to text to people today.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:14 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 12:26 pm 
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A lasagne walks into a bar and the barman says, "why the long face?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 12:34 pm 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
Banana Man wrote:
A lasagne walks into a bar and the barman says, "why the long face?"

:lol: It did take me a little while to get this one but I love it :D


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:18 pm 
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DrG wrote:
Banana Man wrote:
A lasagne walks into a bar and the barman says, "why the long face?"

:lol: It did take me a little while to get this one but I love it :D


It's the bad joke gift that keeps on giving.

I went to Tesco earlier to buy some Bolog-neighs but they were out.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:19 pm 
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I'm so hungry I could eat a... oh wait

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:04 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:06 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
Have you heard? Now traces of zebra have been found in Tesco barcodes.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 1:17 am 
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moose22 wrote:
Have you heard? Now traces of zebra have been found in Tesco barcodes.

That's nothing, I've heard Waitrose have started selling quarter pandas.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 2:15 pm 
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Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise,
Oscar Pistorius

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3rd Place: China 2014


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 2:30 pm 
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Location: Secret Volcano Lair
Some yrs back Kimi Raikonnen was asked by some Gossip Mag about what hes doing to prepare for the F1 season.

So Kimi replies "I usually get to read from your magazine about what Ive done"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 5:33 pm 
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Location: UK
coulthards chin wrote:
Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise,
Oscar Pistorius

He may have no legs, but he certainly isn't unarmed


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 6:58 pm 
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A horse walks into a bar.
"Sorry," says the barman, "we've moved on to jokes about Oscar Pistorius."
"He's right," mutters the Pope into his pint.
"Yeah, he is," sighs Richard III.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 8:44 pm 
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You who were Pistorius' favourite band?

Bullet for my Valentine


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 11:44 pm 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penls also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'


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