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PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:05 pm 
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Hi,

Im looking for a bot of advice:

I just got in a bit of an arguement with my girlfriend who made a comment (a very stern one) about her not completely convinced im straight.

Admitedly I am a pretty flamboyant guy and I am completely and utterly comfortable with my own sexuality - But when your new girlfriend voices her concerns after a joke about something (in a very serious manner) am I right to be angry that she has a lingering doubt. The weird thing is its not like there is any other reason for her to suspect otherwise i.e. there is no physical problems between us, nothing to indicate there is anything wrong. Its to do with my tastes and persona. Im not scared to aknowledge if another man is handsome, or scared to go out in drag for a booze fueled night. But never once in any relationship iv had be it long term or fling has anyone ever been concerned about my sexuality. Am i allowed to be annoyed at this?

Im by no means a camp guy - I love motor racing, boxing, mountain biking, smoking cigars and drinking the finist whiskys you can imagine, hard hitting rock music and the scent of a woman; on the other hand i do have a degree in design, listen to cheesy pop, like dancing and appreciate a bit of sophistication . Having someone who isnt supposed to question this stuff sits oddly with me.

Ladies - am i right to be annoyed at this?


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:38 pm 
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I'm not a lady, but I will say this. Sexuality is largely a social construct and not is as simple as a binary choice.

Whether you are a 'gay' 'straight' or 'bisexual' is irrelevant, these are mainly just labels that we assign. What matters is if you love and care for her and don't break the trust of the relationship.

Your sexuality is irrelevant so long as you are attracted to her. It doesn't matter what other types of people you may or may not be attracted to.

AS for whether you are 'right' to be annoyed by this - it's your right to be annoyed at what annoys you. I suspect this is more born out of frustration at the fact she does not accept it when you say you are straight.

What you need to ascertain is why she is making such a big deal out of it (maybe she had a bad experience with someone else), and basically reaffirm that you are attracted to and love/care for her.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:07 am 
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As another suspiciously male-looking respondee, I can only echo Alien's reply. Make sure there's no history of similar issues with partners, and make sure she knows you're both physically and emotionally attracted to her.

Oh, and do exactly what she wants for a couple of days, that tends to help most situations.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 1:48 am 
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I can offer absolutely no constructive advice that will help you continue your relationship with her not questioning your sexuality, other than stop pointing out whether a guy is attractive or not, and stare at her boobs, a lot.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:06 am 
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specdecible wrote:
I can offer absolutely no constructive advice that will help you continue your relationship with her not questioning your sexuality, other than stop pointing out whether a guy is attractive or not, and stare at her boobs, a lot.

Again, not a woman, but don't do that end bit too much. Especially if she's talking.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 8:58 am 
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Yep I can only agree that sexuality is a sliding scale. I consider myself to be pretty much all the way up at the hetro end of things but even I saw a male celebrity on tv in a pair of beach shorts a while ago that made me think 'Not completely out of the question."


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 10:39 am 
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Buy a job lot of Nuts magazine (assuming you're UK based, if not, some lad's mag). Thats about as much advice as I can offer.

I can understand the annoyance though, I'd be annoyed if my girlfriend thought I could be gay. I'm a pretty flamboyant and less than masculine man, but I'd hope she wouldn't question my sexuality. I'd wonder if it was her own insecurity rather than my actions/lifestyle though.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 11:12 am 
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I've had the exact same thing happen a few times. I'm not even particularly "flamboyant" and don't have the stereotypical gay mannerisms. I do love musicals and ballet though. Sad state that to be considered "not gay" by some, you basically have to have no cultural variety. Sports are okay, but any other interests makes you gay!

I say kiss her a bit, then let her feel your junk. If that isn't proof enough...


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 11:19 am 
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My ex-girlfriend used to get these weird suspicions that I was gay. No idea where on earth it was coming from.

I think it's an insecurity thing. They might get the impression that something is wrong or a bit off in the relationship... "oh, maybe he's gay".

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 1:05 pm 
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Well, so far it looks like I am the only female to answer this one. Firstly, you don't mention how old you both are &, secondly, how long you two have been going out. As an older person, looking back on my life, age & length of a relationship can make a difference on how you look at things.

Having said that, I can understand why you are so upset with what she has said. It also makes me think that she may have insecurities, maybe from past relationships, that you don't know about because people don't usually come out with something like that for no reason, especially as you say that there is no problem between you physically. Maybe you need to have an honest conversation with her & tell her how you feel about her comments. The worst thing that could happen is that you break up &, to be honest, maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing. After all, it's your partner that you should be able to feel the most comfortable with. After 25 years together, my husband & I not only love each other but we still like each other & have the most interesting &, at times, heated discussions especially as there are certain things that we have never & will never agree on. It makes life interesting.

Having a creative or fun side doesn't make a guy gay the same as loving all forms of motor racing doesn't make me a lesbian, if you get what I mean. We are all complex creatures & no two of us are alike, thank God, other wise life would be really boring :D


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 6:13 pm 
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Call her a lesbian, see what happens.

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2013 1:31 pm 
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Probably won't help in an argument, but Eddie Izzard is a pretty flamboyant bloke and straight.

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2013 1:52 pm 
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f1madman wrote:
Call her a lesbian, see what happens.

...Also known as "suicide" :wink:

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 3:22 am 
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I'm female and I'd echo alienturnedhuman's comments, which I think are spot on.

Society is not very evolved when it comes to sexuality and labels exist to simplify things, even though nothing is more individual that a person's sexuality. Stereotypes abound not just with gay, straight, bisexual but in terms of particular acts related to sex. If a woman likes experimentation she must be a slut; anal sex is about power and domination for a man and a man is gay if he likes it himself; and on and on and on.

You sound very evolved and secure as a person and I can completely understand your annoyance at people who aren't and particularly your girlfriend when you have given her no reason to be suspicious that there's any issue. In my experience there's a higher chance that a male who is uncomfortable with his sexuality and goes out of his way to be macho and express his homophobia has a problem with his sexuality (not necessarily in terms of being gay, but just a discomfort with himself).

I think DrG made some good points as well about age and insecurity due to past relationships perhaps playing a factor.

I think you do need to express your annoyance to her because it will help get to the bottom of why she feels that way and whether you two are compatible in terms of your perspectives on these sorts of things. You might decide that she's not on the right wavelength for you.

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 8:21 am 
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I've had a similar thing with one of my exes. I think some girls seem to mistake a man being comfortable with their sexuality as being not entirely straight. If their father was 'one of the lads', and their exes were that sort of guy as well, I think it can be a struggle for some to accept that a guy can be straight without acting like an ape half the time.

At the end of the day, if she's voicing these doubts, it means they've probably been in her head for a while...and ultimately they're unlikely to ever fully go away. Sounds like she's not accepting you for who you are, she's projecting her image of what she wants 'a boyfriend' to be...and when you don't fully live up to that she gets pissed off.

Doesn't sound like a situation that's going to be resolved, unfortunately.

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 8:55 am 
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kai_ wrote:
I'm female and I'd echo alienturnedhuman's comments, which I think are spot on.

Society is not very evolved when it comes to sexuality and labels exist to simplify things, even though nothing is more individual that a person's sexuality. Stereotypes abound not just with gay, straight, bisexual but in terms of particular acts related to sex. If a woman likes experimentation she must be a slut; anal sex is about power and domination for a man and a man is gay if he likes it himself; and on and on and on.

You sound very evolved and secure as a person and I can completely understand your annoyance at people who aren't and particularly your girlfriend when you have given her no reason to be suspicious that there's any issue. In my experience there's a higher chance that a male who is uncomfortable with his sexuality and goes out of his way to be macho and express his homophobia has a problem with his sexuality (not necessarily in terms of being gay, but just a discomfort with himself).

I think DrG made some good points as well about age and insecurity due to past relationships perhaps playing a factor.

I think you do need to express your annoyance to her because it will help get to the bottom of why she feels that way and whether you two are compatible in terms of your perspectives on these sorts of things. You might decide that she's not on the right wavelength for you.

:thumbup: :thumbup:


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 10, 2013 10:47 pm 
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Two things: if you're upset that your girlfriend is questioning your sexuality, maybe you aren't as confident in it as you think you are. There's nothing wrong with that. Second, maybe you should seek a partner who is comfortable with someone who doesn't score 10 out of 10 on the hetero scale. I know girls who can only be with the uber-male, I know some who are a little put off by slightly sliding behavior but love the guy so much they just accept it as part of him, I know girls who just plain don't care one way or the other, and I even know some who are ONLY comfortable with "less manly" men.


- Says a girl who has had a long term relationship with a guy FAR from that 10/10

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 4:50 pm 
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say_hello_2_the_angels wrote:
Im by no means a camp guy - I love motor racing, boxing, mountain biking, smoking cigars and drinking the finist whiskys you can imagine, hard hitting rock music and the scent of a woman; on the other hand i do have a degree in design, listen to cheesy pop, like dancing and appreciate a bit of sophistication . Having someone who isnt supposed to question this stuff sits oddly with me.


Seems that there's nothing wrong with you except listening to cheesy pop. Listen to serious music. A full day of listening to Wagner, Carl Orff, or Stravinsky will make you 42 percent more manly.

As for your girlfriend, if she has doubts over your sexuality, is her problem, not yours. You're free to do whatever you want.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 2:44 am 
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say_hello_2_the_angels wrote:
Having someone who isnt supposed to question this stuff sits oddly with me.

Ladies - am i right to be annoyed at this?

Interesting question. I've had this happen a couple of times in different relationships, and I have absolutely no inclination towards being anything but resolutely hetero.

I think women say things like this to get you on the back foot. Maybe it's an expression of dissatisfaction of some kind. It certainly sounds manipulative to me.

Right to be annoyed? - Yes. But probably best not to express it too much though.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 12:25 pm 
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I have to ask, because of your own concerns and the way you have written your post, are YOU worried, yourself, that you might be gay but aren't aware of it?

Maybe this girl isn't right for you and you need to be with someone who isn't so insecure herself about whether her man is going to leave her for another man.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 1:19 pm 
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I see nothing wrong with expressing yourself whatever way you want.

Cross dressing (amongst other things) is still frowned upon by traditional society though.

No matter how liberal people's views are, a lot of people will still perceive this to be 'odd'.
We have a tendency to rationalise phenomena we don't understand, so, yea, I'm not surprised some people will point the 'gay' finger.

Gay is still discriminated against very strongly too, again even on a non conscious level.
How many of you -in all honesty-, claiming to be liberal, find it distasteful to see two people of the same gender kissing, yet find this display of affection amongst heterosexuals okay?

At the end of the day, all that matters is that you indeed are comfortable with who you are.
If you find you're with someone who is not comfortable with who you are, I suggest you don't put any energy into such a relationship.
After all, who does that person love? You, or her perceived picture of you??

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 5:47 pm 
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Nakojo wrote:
I see nothing wrong with expressing yourself whatever way you want.

Cross dressing (amongst other things) is still frowned upon by traditional society though.

No matter how liberal people's views are, a lot of people will still perceive this to be 'odd'.
We have a tendency to rationalise phenomena we don't understand, so, yea, I'm not surprised some people will point the 'gay' finger.

I think cross dressing is largely an expression of curiosity of what it would be like to be the opposite gender. To be treated differently by others. Not necessarily anything to do with being homosexual of even an inclination towards transgenderism. I don't know much about it, but I suspect it's largely nothing to do with either of those things, but more to do with the male equivalent of penis envy and/or the experience of being the opposite gender.

What I do notice about the perception of oddness, is that it's almost entirely focused on cross dressed males. Females cross dress all the time in public, and in large numbers, yet no-one ever thinks that is odd. A kind of double standard.

Nakojo wrote:
Gay is still discriminated against very strongly too, again even on a non conscious level.
How many of you -in all honesty-, claiming to be liberal, find it distasteful to see two people of the same gender kissing, yet find this display of affection amongst heterosexuals okay?

At the end of the day, all that matters is that you indeed are comfortable with who you are.
If you find you're with someone who is not comfortable with who you are, I suggest you don't put any energy into such a relationship.
After all, who does that person love? You, or her perceived picture of you??

Or your wallet.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 6:25 pm 
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Tell her ' I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is'. :D

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2013 4:44 am 
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Chester wrote:
say_hello_2_the_angels wrote:
Having someone who isnt supposed to question this stuff sits oddly with me.

Ladies - am i right to be annoyed at this?

Interesting question. I've had this happen a couple of times in different relationships, and I have absolutely no inclination towards being anything but resolutely hetero.

I think women say things like this to get you on the back foot. Maybe it's an expression of dissatisfaction of some kind. It certainly sounds manipulative to me.

Right to be annoyed? - Yes. But probably best not to express it too much though.

True to a certain extent. When I was young I would make horrible comments (during full out 'rows') to my husband. They hit him badly because they were true...

Women are generally very sensitive to others' worries/concerns and, when young, use these worries effectively.

But I sympathise as I know a man who I would have sworn was gay due to his demeanour - but as he's pretty old now and looking for a woman, I have to assume I was wrong in my original assumption.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2013 3:13 pm 
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I think I would be annoyed by it if it were me. I've never had anyone suggest anything like that, so it would come as a shock initially, but I think I would then be annoyed by my girlfriend suggesting that I was gay, for many of the reasons that people have highlighted above - 1) I don't see why I need to be labelled as anything, 2) If I'm in love/engaged/married to someone, then who cares, as long as I'm faithful and 3) I am who I am, if you don't like it you can leave.

With religion, it has no part to play in my life (other than the socially unaviodable things - the calendar, religious holidays, etc.), but I have been called agnostic and athiest by a few people and it annoys me - I am neither angostic or athiest; these are labels given to people that have some kind of religious interest; not being sure of what they believe, or being sure there's no God, or whatever... I simply am not moved emotionally or otherwise by religion and don't care about it one way or the other. Being labelled therefore annoys me because it's simply not accurate. (This isn't an attempt to bring religion into this thread, but an attempt to explain how I feel about the whole labelling issue in society, hopefully it makes sense).

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2013 9:01 pm 
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CarlPotter wrote:
With religion, it has no part to play in my life (other than the socially unaviodable things - the calendar, religious holidays, etc.), but I have been called agnostic and athiest by a few people and it annoys me - I am neither angostic or athiest; these are labels given to people that have some kind of religious interest; not being sure of what they believe, or being sure there's no God, or whatever... I simply am not moved emotionally or otherwise by religion and don't care about it one way or the other. Being labelled therefore annoys me because it's simply not accurate. (This isn't an attempt to bring religion into this thread, but an attempt to explain how I feel about the whole labelling issue in society, hopefully it makes sense).


Like, OMG !! Does that make you a Gaytheist ???

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