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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 1:38 pm 
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I was watching a show on TV last night called "A Can of Worms" which I assume, like most shows here in Oz, is a take off or syndicated show from the UK &/or USA, anyway, one of the questions was "Is it ok to lie to your partner."

Personally, I think it depends on the lie & the reason you are are doing so. I look after all our finances & all our tax obligations, both personal & for the company we own. Occasionally there is a hick up that needs someone to just think things thru &/or do the paperwork to sort it out, which I do, but if I told my husband about them he would get over anxious & not help at all. I have just found it easier to just get on with it myself so I guess, in this example, I am not lying to my husband so much as just not telling him exactly what is going on. If it's anything really important I have always told him the truth but sometimes I have blurred it a bit because I knew that he would make it a bigger problem than it actually was & I have applied this to other things in our life. Am I wrong for doing so?


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:33 pm 
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Of course it is ok to lie. The "it's bad to tell lies" is a very primitive piece of moral reasoning applied at childhood because the sort of lies children tell are to cover up for when they have misbehaved.

Lying is immoral when you do it to take advantage of someone else. Lying is not immoral when it is for the benefit of the person you are lying to.

Essentially, it's down to your intentions. If you create some far fetched reasoning to yourself or other that your lie is to the benefit of someone else to support a lie that is designed to take advantage of them then obviously this is immoral because it's not really being done of their benefit.

All this being said, even if your lie is 100% morally correct, the other person is still entitled to feel hurt if they discover you lied to them, even if it was genuinely in their best interests.

Of course, if they ever said "I never ever ever want you to lie to me even if you are 100% certain it is in my best interests" then lying to them would be immoral.

But it's not black and white - telling them the truth in that situation could also be immoral and it would be up to you to balance which is the least immoral.

For example, after my parents got divorced my mother insisted that I not lie to her when I went to visit my father. However, if I told her then she would go crazy and make my life hell for the next few hours. So if I could get away without telling her I wouldn't. Technically, it was immoral, however her behaviour if I told the truth was also unreasonable, making it a morally grey situation. In my opinion, the best moral outcome was for neither of us to get upset, even if it was morally wrong to lie to her.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 3:23 pm 
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its like asking is it ok to steal? no it is not right, but if you don't get caught or found out, does it matter?

Edit: although having said that I do feel that it can lead to a snowball effect, one lie will lead to another, either just because you know you can, or because you have to cover the previous lie, and the ball keeps rolling and rolling and eventually the lies get bigger and bigger, and the line between truth and lie gets more and more blurred as you trying to keep hiding so many lies, with other lies, and you won't know where you are!


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 3:57 pm 
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Generally, your partner should know the truth. That's the whole point of the two people that are together. In your example I'd tell him the truth but also let him know that I'm dealing with it. But the question for you is "is omitting the truth bad"? Hehehe, you see, no "lie" at all in that sentence, you didn't lie after all!


I myself try not to lie. I find it that often, the smallest lie can snowball to a much bigger situation. I wouldn't like that. Plus I'm a bad liar! When it comes to partners though, it is always the question: "knowing or happily living unaware"? I still don't know the answer

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 4:00 pm 
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9 words which prove lying is acceptable.

"No your pickle does not look big in that"

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 4:54 pm 
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Depends on what you are lying about and why. I think it's perfectly acceptable to lie when they ask about their weight, or their outfit (or similar types of questions) as they are seeking compliments, not honesty.
When it comes to major life changing questions like 'Is this my baby?' or 'have you paid the mortgage?', that's the time to be transparent.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:10 pm 
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To quote a famous fictional doctor, "everybody lies".

There is nothing morally wrong with lying, only the situation of the lie.

That is my personal philosophy anyway, obviously not everybody will agree.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:15 pm 
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I always prefer not to lie, if asked directly i usually say the blunt truth even if it hurts someone. sure sometimes i keep quiet on things (but not something someone is waiting for), but if asked i never deny it.

to me i always prefer it if people be brutally honest with me and that is why i do the same. what i see as wrong is treating people different than what you want them to treat you.

But it never is black and white


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 1:20 pm 
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Looking at the answers I realise that I have never actually lied to my husband, I just haven't always told him what is happening if it was something he didn't really need to know. The main reason for this is that for the last few years his health hasn't been the best &, if he gets over-excited or over-anxious, he doesn't function very well & I can't see the point in making him go thru that if I can sort it out anyway.

As for girlfriends/wives asking their boyfriends/husbands whether they look fat in this, I feel sorry for you guys. I have never asked my husband that question cause, to be quite honest, I know whether I do or not. I'm not blind & I do have a mirror. To put that on your partner, in my mind, is not on. The only thing I do ask my husband, if we are going out, is whether the outfit I have on is appropriate for the occasion & I do expect him to answer honestly. I was brought up to dress up for an occasion &, in this more casual world, sometimes I can overdo it. I would prefer to find out at home before we leave then when we arrive & feel embarrassed about being overdressed :D


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 3:24 pm 
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Men never know what to say when asked about looks, DrG. I agree it's completely unfair on us that some women ask. Luckily my girlfriend isn't prone to doing that!

Incidentally, for a similar reason my mum always asked me rather than her husband how she looks in things. Somehow it's a whole lot easier to be honest with your mum than your partner about these things.

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 6:22 pm 
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It's perfectly ok. It needs to be done sometimes, but I still try to avoid it. The more lies you tell, the harder it is to keep track, so the likelihood of getting caught only increases with time.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 8:05 pm 
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I use two strategies. With the missus I usually ask her to consider the possibility she may not like the answer and I give her the option to withdraw the question. In many other situations (as on plane last week) I ask do they want honest or polite? The twit on the plane opted for honest so I told him the meal was the worst thing I'd eaten this century.
Consider also daily exchanges such as "How are you" the expected answer is "Fine, and you?" You may not be fine but they don't want to hear about the oozing sores or the projectile vomiting.
Finally, consider all of the above could be porky pies.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 8:11 pm 
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It's not OK to lie to your partner. However it's OK to lie to other people on this forum.

;-)

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 2:22 pm 
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Tufty wrote:
Men never know what to say when asked about looks, DrG. I agree it's completely unfair on us that some women ask. Luckily my girlfriend isn't prone to doing that!


My way out of this is always: "You could be wearing a used bin bag and i'd still find you attractive. Ask someone else."

She's given up asking now. Result.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:44 pm 
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Megamoss wrote:
Tufty wrote:
Men never know what to say when asked about looks, DrG. I agree it's completely unfair on us that some women ask. Luckily my girlfriend isn't prone to doing that!


My way out of this is always: "You could be wearing a used bin bag and i'd still find you attractive. Ask someone else."

She's given up asking now. Result.

:lol: That used to be my response too, but recently I've actually started giving my honest opinion!!!!! It's taken knowing her for 18 years and together for 14, but I can finally say what I think and she doesn't get tiddled off (she even listens and agrees me sometimes)!

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 9:09 pm 
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To quote Dr House.

Everybody lies.


It's a fact of life. Get on with it as long as it's not being done maliciously who really gives a toss?

BTW my Mrs does all our finances too. After doing my own for umpteen years it's one less thing for me to worry about.

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 9:50 am 
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The flip side of this is when your partner wants to do something you think they wont actually like but they will get upset if you try to dissaude them. My wife has beautiful long hair that I love. When she said she wanted to change her style I did ask her if that's what really wanted knowing full well she probably wasn't going to like it. But it's her hair so I left her to do what she wanted and then told her is wasn't that bad while it grew out again. I lied because it really didn't look that good on her. It's just a way of letting her know it wasn't that big of a mistake and it will sort itself out in due course.


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