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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 12:26 am 
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And then there were the miners who used to visit their local brothel after their shift ended. One day a new guy joined the crew and they took him along for the usual post-shift R&R. Upon leaving the brothel the new guy was concerned his wife would notice his now pink penis and asked what the others did in these circumstances. "You've to do what we all do lad, bat it wi' yer cap"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 12:27 am 
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I can understand why Coronation Street have dropped all of Michael Le Vell's story lines from the soap.

Seeing him bending over the back of a 12 year old Escort might have raised a few eyebrows.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 4:48 am 
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A young lad was talking to a young lass:
lad - "My Mothers name is Laughing, and my fathers name is Smiling"
lass - "Are you Kidding?"
lad - "No, Kidding is my brother, I'm Joking"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 1:32 pm 
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Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 10:24 am 
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DrG wrote:
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


That one is properly brilliant. The rest were good, but this one is just excellent.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 10:49 am 
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DrG wrote:
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

That's just reminded me of a sign at a hostel in Strasbourg saying 'Don't walk on the grass! (smoke it)'

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 10:50 am 
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Never insult an Italian baker...

He'll beat the foccacia!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 12:27 pm 
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I find this is a good 'people-sorter'.

Edit

Too much so it seems.

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Last edited by Balibari on Fri Mar 15, 2013 10:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:06 pm 
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Oscar Pistorius was happy leaving court after being granted bail, apparently he had a spring in his step.

On a sad note though, he's having financial difficulties with legal fees. Apparently the team of lawyers cost an arm and a leg!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:42 pm 
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DrG wrote:
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


Shouldn't that be - Sir Cumference...

:?: :?: :?:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 4:08 pm 
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Balibari wrote:
I find this is a good 'people-sorter'.
*snip*

You can call it a 'people-sorter' if you like, but that's one of Gervais' jokes that is a little below the belt for anyone and 10 times worse than anything Frankie Boyle's ever come out with. x(

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 9:07 pm 
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Gothalamide wrote:
DrG wrote:
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


Shouldn't that be - Sir Cumference...

:?: :?: :?:


I knew you would get a round to that.
What about the hard man at the round table? Sir Ramic. Some say he was from china

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 11:30 pm 
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moby wrote:
Gothalamide wrote:
DrG wrote:
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


Shouldn't that be - Sir Cumference...

:?: :?: :?:


I knew you would get a round to that.
What about the hard man at the round table? Sir Ramic. Some say he was from china


Yea, but he never got to say a word, because he was sitting next to Sir Cumcision - who always cut people off...

And they were sitting between Sir Prise and Sir Loinsteak

:D :D :D


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 5:12 pm 
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And the Oscar goes to....






Prison!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 10:45 pm 
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Gothalamide wrote:
moby wrote:
Gothalamide wrote:
DrG wrote:
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


Shouldn't that be - Sir Cumference...

:?: :?: :?:


I knew you would get a round to that.
What about the hard man at the round table? Sir Ramic. Some say he was from china


Yea, but he never got to say a word, because he was sitting next to Sir Cumcision - who always cut people off...

And they were sitting between Sir Prise and Sir Loinsteak
I knew, Sir Tainly told me

:D :D :D

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 26, 2013 8:45 am 
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South African police have installed state of the art technology outside the home of Oscar Pistorius to make sure he doesn't try to leave the country.

A cattle grid.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 26, 2013 1:41 pm 
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A guy gets on a plane and finds, sitting next to him, an absolutely gorgeous young lady and strikes up a conversation. "So, why are you going to Montreal today?" "I am the President of the sex therapists society and I'm giving the keynote speech at our annual convention "Exploding the myths""
"Interesting" he says "What sort of myths?" "Well" she says "For a start most people think the French are the best lovers; they are not, it's the Greek men who make the best lovers. Most people think African-Americans are best endowed but it's actually American Indians who score highest in that department. Here I am prattling on and don't even know your name"

"Papadopoulos, Tonto Papadopoulos"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 3:26 am 
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I misunderstood what my friends meant when they said the party was period costume themed

Image

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 1:48 pm 
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specdecible wrote:
I misunderstood what my friends meant when they said the party was period costume themed

Image

:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 1:55 pm 
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A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going down the pub with me ?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm still putting my all hail the mods shoes on!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 2:28 pm 
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IKEA Chess board

Image

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 2:34 pm 
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SchumieRules wrote:
IKEA Chess board

Image



:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 09, 2013 1:06 am 
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I was so pleased when I came up with this joke that probably only 5% of people (although as F1 is a geeky sport, maybe I'll get a better success rate here) will understand:

"I always round to even but then I'm a glass fully empty kind of guy."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 09, 2013 11:16 pm 
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Alienturnedhuman wrote:
I was so pleased when I came up with this joke that probably only 5% of people (although as F1 is a geeky sport, maybe I'll get a better success rate here) will understand:

"I always round to even but then I'm a glass fully empty kind of guy."


That might have been slightly amusing if it wasn't for the fact 0.5 is always rounded up and that zero ISNT an even number...

:D :D :D


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 8:41 am 
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During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Fighter Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 12:53 pm 
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Perhaps it has something to do with my trouble differentiating words that sound the same as each other, but i just don't understand why parents would ever live their life bi-curiously through their children.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 2:10 pm 
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minchy wrote:
Balibari wrote:
I find this is a good 'people-sorter'.
*snip*

You can call it a 'people-sorter' if you like, but that's one of Gervais' jokes that is a little below the belt for anyone and 10 times worse than anything Frankie Boyle's ever come out with. x(

You seem to have misunderstood the joke.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 3:44 pm 
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EDIT: got rid of it to keep the page more light hearted. :)

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Last edited by minchy on Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 9:57 pm 
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minchy wrote:
Balibari wrote:
minchy wrote:
Balibari wrote:
I find this is a good 'people-sorter'.
*snip*

You can call it a 'people-sorter' if you like, but that's one of Gervais' jokes that is a little below the belt for anyone and 10 times worse than anything Frankie Boyle's ever come out with. x(

You seem to have misunderstood the joke.

I guess the joke is at the expense of religion - talking to God, God talking back. Then if God's real, he's a git. The problem I have is simply making a joke about a tradegy that's currently happening to people who have no choice (i.e. the kids)

People use humour to make points. The joke mocks and highlights a policy that leads to tragedy and should be stopped. To say it's worse than Boyle, who jokes at the expense of such subjects, misses the point entirely. This doesn't seem like the place to argue so I'll take it down if it offends you.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 10:03 pm 
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Why is there an argument on a joke thread? Its called JOKE thread. Laugh if off guys.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 20, 2013 2:53 pm 
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My ability to speak Latin is always put at the top of my Curriculum Vitae

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 20, 2013 4:52 pm 
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This one is a tad riské and i will remove it if its offensive (its in bad taste) and i am ashamed to say that the first time i saw it, i laughed , but here goes!

Image

(its based on a song)


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 20, 2013 4:57 pm 
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What have Formula 1 and women got in common?

Both are more interesting when they're wet.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 20, 2013 6:03 pm 
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^^^^ also, both seem to want to stop when they're wet before it goes too far and someone gets hurt!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 9:56 pm 
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Partially-squashed apples get a bad press I reckon.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 9:59 pm 
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Had some fat ugly old slapper come up to me in a night club the other day. She was trying to flirt, then asked for my number. I asked her if she had a pen, she said yes, so I told her to f**k off back to it before the farmer noticed she had escaped.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 8:29 am 
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Your mama so stupid when she saw a late 90's Jordan f1 car she thought it was a Twinkie.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 4:39 pm 
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Lonely Hearts Ad' in today's paper


Man with premature ejaculation problem seeking a girlfriend. Must be young, beautiful, have huge tits, a tight pickle, long legs.... aaghh... oh f**k sake. Never mind.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:09 pm 
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Been having a boys weekend with my mates. I was enjoying it until someone told me my wife placed an add in our local paper today.

It said

Husband missing, last seen on motorcycle.
Reward for return of motorcycle.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:17 pm 
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A woman a Jewellry store farts while bending down to see a diamond ring. She looks around embarassed, hoping no one heard her accident, only to find a salesman standing right behind her. So casually she asks, "Whats the price of this lovely ring?"
The Salesman very professionally answers "Miss if you farted after just looking at the ring, your gonna fairy cakes yourself if I told you the price."

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