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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2016 10:42 pm 
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Donald Trump. Republican nominee 2016.

Get it? It's funny because it's true.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 12, 2016 3:35 pm 
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I didn't know where else to put this...

Meet Mr. Barry Kelo:

https://www.bakucitycircuit.com/media/n ... schumacher


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 12, 2016 11:37 pm 
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Four engineers are travelling by car when, without warning, it breaks down.
The mechanical engineer suggests that an engine component has suffered a structural failure.
The chemical engineer states that a constituent of the fuel has caused the breakdown.
The electrical engineer believes that an electrical component has ceased to function.
The software engineer suggests: 'Why don't we all get out and then get back in again?'

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2016 7:48 am 
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tootsie323 wrote:
Four engineers are travelling by car when, without warning, it breaks down.
The mechanical engineer suggests that an engine component has suffered a structural failure.
The chemical engineer states that a constituent of the fuel has caused the breakdown.
The electrical engineer believes that an electrical component has ceased to function.
The software engineer suggests: 'Why don't we all get out and then get back in again?'

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2016 8:36 pm 
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Bobby Charlton was interviewed today and asked how he felt the 66 world cup winning team would have done against the current Iceland team.

He said England would have won 1-0

1-0, is that all, he was asked.

Well he said, we all getting quite old now.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 11:08 am 
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Borris Johnson or Michael Gove could be the UK's next Prime Minister!

(don't know if I should actually be crying rather than laughing, but at least the rest of the world can laugh at us! ;) )

p.s. asphalt :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 2:23 pm 
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minchy wrote:
Borris Johnson or Michael Gove could be the UK's next Prime Minister!

(don't know if I should actually be crying rather than laughing, but at least the rest of the world can laugh at us! ;) )

p.s. asphalt :lol:



Erm, breaking news. Not Borris, he has frit


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 2:26 pm 
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moby wrote:
minchy wrote:
Borris Johnson or Michael Gove could be the UK's next Prime Minister!

(don't know if I should actually be crying rather than laughing, but at least the rest of the world can laugh at us! ;) )

p.s. asphalt :lol:



Erm, breaking news. Not Borris, he has frit

I know. I read the article 2 mins after posting but couldn't be bothered to change it! :blush:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 11:55 am 
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I called the booking line at Sea World earlier and the operator asked me to say, "jump through the hoop and do a backflip."

This call may be recorded for training porpoises.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 2:32 pm 
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tootsie323 wrote:
Four engineers are travelling by car when, without warning, it breaks down.
The mechanical engineer suggests that an engine component has suffered a structural failure.
The chemical engineer states that a constituent of the fuel has caused the breakdown.
The electrical engineer believes that an electrical component has ceased to function.
The software engineer suggests: 'Why don't we all get out and then get back in again?'


As a chemical engineer I'd say it's more likely that the chemical composition in the tyres changed, causing a sudden drop in performance, often referred to as 'the cliff'.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 3:53 pm 
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Pietkok wrote:
tootsie323 wrote:
Four engineers are travelling by car when, without warning, it breaks down.
The mechanical engineer suggests that an engine component has suffered a structural failure.
The chemical engineer states that a constituent of the fuel has caused the breakdown.
The electrical engineer believes that an electrical component has ceased to function.
The software engineer suggests: 'Why don't we all get out and then get back in again?'


As a chemical engineer I'd say it's more likely that the chemical composition in the tyres changed, causing a sudden drop in performance, often referred to as 'the cliff'.


As an independent passenger who can see the fuel gauge, I know different


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 5:13 pm 
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www.pinterest.com and paint skills


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2016 6:05 pm 
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British Politics.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2016 11:12 am 
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Asphalt_World wrote:
British Politics.

F1 politics.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2016 11:09 pm 
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Women are like blenders. They make good food but you wouldn't want to lick one when it's on.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2016 5:15 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
Women are like blenders. They make good food but you wouldn't want to lick one when it's on.


8O :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2016 9:05 pm 
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The Mrs just went mental at me for not opening the car door for her!
I just panicked and swam to the surface.
Last time I let her drive!

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.

If Will.I.Аm's gravestone doesn't say Will.I.Was, I'll be pretty disappointed.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2016 6:37 pm 
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Somalia are the latest country to be disqualified from the Olympics. Apparently nobody told them that sailing and shooting were separate events.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2016 6:39 pm 
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I asked the assistant in WH Smiths if they had the new self help book for men with small penises.
She said, "er.... I don't think it's in yet"
I said, "yes, that's the one!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 06, 2016 12:16 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
Somalia are the latest country to be disqualified from the Olympics. Apparently nobody told them that sailing and shooting were separate events.

I'm not going to check back, but I'm sure you made the same joke 4 years ago!!!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2016 10:21 pm 
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A market researcher for Vaseline was in a chemist, where a woman had a large jar of it in her basket.
The researcher asks if she minds answering some questions on her use of it and her satisfaction of the product, to which she agreed.

The man asked what sort of thing she used it for, to which she replied with several things like skin graze or cuts on the children, we have 6 children so it gets used well. Right says the man thank you, what would you say was your most unusual use of the product?

Oh, let me see, says the woman. Ah, we use it to have sex some times.

Right says the man, thank you very much for your honesty, but thats not the sort of thing I am looking for, many people do that.
Yes, maybe, says the woman, but we have 6 kids, so we use it on the doorknob, its the only way we can keep them out of the bedroom.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2016 4:20 pm 
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Man goes into a piano bar, and is stunned to hear the pianist is playing the most beautiful song he’s ever heard, so he goes up and asks the pianist what the song is called.

The pianist replies, “It’s one of my own compositions, it’s called please my darling give me a blow job tonight”.

Slightly embarrassed the man sits down. Five minutes later the pianist starts to play an even more amazing song, so he goes up to the pianist to compliment him and ask the name of the song, to which the pianist replies; “that‘s another of my own compositions, it’s called If I only could, I’d lick my own balls”.

Anyway, a bit later the pianist takes a break to nip to the toilet and when he comes back it’s obvious he hasn't done himself up properly and his tackle is showing, the barman shouts over, “Oy do you known your cock and balls are hanging out”?

To which the piano player replies “Know it? I fu#king wrote it!”


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2016 5:04 pm 
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Location: Los Angeles, California
Biffa wrote:
Man goes into a piano bar, and is stunned to hear the pianist is playing the most beautiful song he’s ever heard, so he goes up and asks the pianist what the song is called.

The pianist replies, “It’s one of my own compositions, it’s called please my darling give me a blow job tonight”.

Slightly embarrassed the man sits down. Five minutes later the pianist starts to play an even more amazing song, so he goes up to the pianist to compliment him and ask the name of the song, to which the pianist replies; “that‘s another of my own compositions, it’s called If I only could, I’d lick my own balls”.

Anyway, a bit later the pianist takes a break to nip to the toilet and when he comes back it’s obvious he hasn't done himself up properly and his tackle is showing, the barman shouts over, “Oy do you known your cock and balls are hanging out”?

To which the piano player replies “Know it? I fu#king wrote it!”


:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2016 5:06 pm 
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minchy wrote:
Banana Man wrote:
Somalia are the latest country to be disqualified from the Olympics. Apparently nobody told them that sailing and shooting were separate events.

I'm not going to check back, but I'm sure you made the same joke 4 years ago!!!!!!


He did.

Banana Man wrote:
The Somalian Olympic team have just issued an appology to the IOC. Apparently they didn't realise the shooting and sailing were seperate events.


Almost 4 years to the day! :o

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2016 5:10 pm 
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NastyPasty wrote:
Asphalt_World wrote:
British Politics.

F1 politics.


American Politics.


No wait, that's actually very scary. :(

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2016 10:04 pm 
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Two guys were holidaying in Mexico. They love the place so much they want to live there and the first guy has a brainwave after visiting a canyon there. "Why don't we start a bungee-jumping business?"

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

The first guy volunteers to be the Guinea pig to test it out.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened?"

The first guy says, "what the heck is a' pinata"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2016 12:47 pm 
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- Your resume is fantastic
- Thank you
- One last thing; tell me what you think is your biggest flaw, how would you improve it?
- I think my biggest flaw is my honesty
- Honesty? I don't think that is a flaw really
- I don't give a fl**ng fudge of what you think you id*ot
- I see...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 02, 2017 6:37 pm 
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A guy is out on a snowmobile when it starts producing clouds of smoke, so he calls in the workshop on the way home.

The mechanic is outside as he arrives and sees the problem. The Rider parks and takes off his gloves and goggles and the workshop owner says Ah looks like you have blown a seal. Come in the office and warm.

The Rider says No Honest, its just frost in my moustache.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2017 6:06 pm 
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Headline of the Day:

Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue May 23, 2017 12:13 am 
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Woman goes to confession and says father, father forgive me i was with a man Last night that son of a b*tch.

Father replies dont use that language my child

But father he grabbed my a$$

Did he grab your a$$ like this, yes he did that s.o.b

Father he also put his hands down my blouse, just like this my child. Yes he did that s.o.b

Did he make love to you like this for hours? Woman replies. Yes he did that s.o.b.

Father asks why do you keep referring to him like that? B/c father when he was all done he said he had aids.

Father replies, THAT S.O.B!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 11, 2017 8:31 pm 
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the backcountry side of Kentucky near Cincinnati where I live. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Looking down at the grave again I realized, apparently, I’m still lost…

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2017 4:21 pm 
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Kids at the front seats of a car can cause accidents.

Accidents at the back seats of the car can cause kids...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2017 11:47 am 
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Did you know pigeons die almost immediately after having sex.

Well the one I shagged did anyway.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2017 11:48 am 
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Went to a physio today and he said I have a 2.54cm patella.
I said, “inch high knees”
He said, “2.54厘米髌骨”

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2017 11:49 am 
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Some idiot has ripped a load of pages from the front and back of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2017 3:56 pm 
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Mom, what does contagious mean, says the kid. I thought it was something nasty you had to stay away from?

Thats right says mom. Who has something contagious then dear?

'Mr Brown, but he is outside painting the big fence around his garden.

Mom says 'who says he is sick then'?

(Kid) Declan the postie.

Whats the matter with him? it cant be a lot if he is out painting his fence.

(Kid) I dont know, just Declan said it will take the contagious with a brush that small.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2017 7:14 am 
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moby wrote:
Mom, what does contagious mean, says the kid. I thought it was something nasty you had to stay away from?

Thats right says mom. Who has something contagious then dear?

'Mr Brown, but he is outside painting the big fence around his garden.

Mom says 'who says he is sick then'?

(Kid) Declan the postie.

Whats the matter with him? it cant be a lot if he is out painting his fence.

(Kid) I dont know, just Declan said it will take the contagious with a brush that small.

:lol:

I was watching some classics Never Mind The Buzzcocks clips the other day and saw this gem.

“When he left the Skids, Stewart Adamson went on to become a Big Country member... and we all do remember.”


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2017 3:34 pm 
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Black_Flag_11 wrote:
moby wrote:
Mom, what does contagious mean, says the kid. I thought it was something nasty you had to stay away from?

Thats right says mom. Who has something contagious then dear?

'Mr Brown, but he is outside painting the big fence around his garden.

Mom says 'who says he is sick then'?

(Kid) Declan the postie.

Whats the matter with him? it cant be a lot if he is out painting his fence.

(Kid) I dont know, just Declan said it will take the contagious with a brush that small.

:lol:

I was watching some classics Never Mind The Buzzcocks clips the other day and saw this gem.

“When he left the Skids, Stewart Adamson went on to become a Big Country member... and we all do remember.”



I used to play in a band, Symbolics. Sym left us though.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 1:01 pm 
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Not a joke, its true, but this is probably the best place to post it.

We have all been washing our car when we get the quip ' can you do this one after?'

I just got it, but it was from the driver of a bright lime double decker. 8O


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