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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 9:43 pm 
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Archeologist have found the jaw bone of a human skeleton which is over 5 million years old. The Jaw is believe to have been from a female...




... because it's still f**king moving.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 10:10 pm 
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I've just started a new business making glass coffins, but I'm not really sure if it will catch on. Remains to be seen.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 10:17 pm 
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Location: Los Angeles, California
nexus wrote:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions
at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and love watching sport.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 10:18 pm 
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I've been invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society summer ball. There's no dress code, just come in your underpants.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 10:23 pm 
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Had a dream the other night that I weighed less than 1 thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg!!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 11:48 pm 
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Did you hear about the scientist who reached absolute zero? He's 0K now...

When someone with a lisp says "Buthneth", you know they mean business...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 11:59 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
I got sacked from my Taxi firm today for having sex with one of our customers on the back seat.

Well I say taxi, technically it's a hearse.


*Amused groan noise*


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 8:34 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
Had a dream the other night that I weighed less than 1 thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg!!



:lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 9:48 am 
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Murray Walker: "So Bernie, in the seventeen years since you bought McLaren, which of your many achievements do you think was the most memorable?"

Bernie Ecclestone: "Well I don't remember buying McLaren.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 10:50 am 
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Amy Winehouses dad starting a drug awareness charity is the equivalent of Michael Jackson's dad getting a job with Childline.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 10:55 am 
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I asked my grandad what the best times of his life were.

"It has to be the 70's" he replied, "I used to go out with all of my mates to rock concerts, get drunk, get into fights, have lots of sex and take huge amounts of cocaine, I had the best time of my life. But now I've reached the 80's I don't do it half as much."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 10:59 am 
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Knock knock.......

Knock knock.......

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock....

Hurry up Whitney, I need a fairy cakes.

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And they say men cant multi task.. haa, ask a formula 1 driver! :)


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 7:36 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm.
Yes.
ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ff****kkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 7:38 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A lickalotopis

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 12:47 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
Had a dream the other night that I weighed less than 1 thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg!!


Ha, that's getting told to my pals on Thursday. Thankfully, I know enough nerds that will absolutely kill. I love a good silly science joke.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 8:36 am 
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Posts: 1297
some physics jokes

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'


Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'


Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms



Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

( :lol: i'm sooo sad lol )



Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?

A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red. (not massively funny, but clever)



The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines a transistor as a nun who's had a sex change.

( :lol: )


Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive. ( :? don't think this will work in real life)


they're all on this website

http://jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jo ... jokes.html

even comes with an explanation of the joke :uhoh:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 8:57 am 
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Posts: 235
Location: Tri City - PL
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2012 9:54 am 
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Posts: 656
Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
:D

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2012 12:00 pm 
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Posts: 108
vikz22 wrote:
some physics jokes

Science nerd jokes

they're all on this website

http://jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jo ... jokes.html

even comes with an explanation of the joke :uhoh:


I see those and raise you

A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the ice. The Bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".

Why did the white bear dissolve in water? Because it was polar.

What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.
^That one made me groan and laugh :lol:

What do dipoles say in passing? "Have you got a moment?"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 1:08 pm 
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Bought a magazine today called 'Bald and Barely Legal'


Some seriously dodgy tyres in there.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 6:10 pm 
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Location: Worthing England.
dabi wrote:
I was going to post a joke about midgets but hey life's to short......!
Me too, about shagging a retarded midget, but its not big and its not clever.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 6:36 pm 
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lunatic wrote:
dabi wrote:
I was going to post a joke about midgets but hey life's to short......!
Me too, about shagging a retarded midget, but its not big and its not clever.


nice to see you're being the bigger man


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 6:40 pm 
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Location: Worthing England.
vikz22 wrote:
lunatic wrote:
dabi wrote:
I was going to post a joke about midgets but hey life's to short......!
Me too, about shagging a retarded midget, but its not big and its not clever.


nice to see you're being the bigger man
:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 12:03 am 
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Knock Knock....Who's There?

The.... The Who?

Image

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 8:53 am 
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just saw this on failblog, man its awful!



I'm good at algebra:
I can replace your X and you wouldn't need to figure out Y


:uhoh:


:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 5:33 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
What you shouldn't say while sitting at the bar in a Gay Bar....

...Excuse me mate, can I move your stool?

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 5:38 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
Two girls were having their hair done:

1st girl: My boyfriend Gary has terrible dandruff you know..
2nd girl: You should give him Head and Shoulders then.

1st girl after a long pause: Well how do you give shoulders??

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:38 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.

The hooker says, "wheres my money?"

The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says here "gets paid for sex."

The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 7:14 pm 
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Location: Hollywood
vikz22 wrote:
bbobeckyj wrote:
vikz22 wrote:


i read it right cos its true :P

You have a bick?



not just a bick, a dig bick!!!

You sound like a real bickhead!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 10:33 pm 
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Posts: 1297
SebastianBieber wrote:
vikz22 wrote:
bbobeckyj wrote:
vikz22 wrote:


i read it right cos its true :P

You have a bick?



not just a bick, a dig bick!!!

You sound like a real bickhead!



a dig bickhead! the diggest one around :P


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 7:52 pm 
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Posts: 132
Why did the hipster burn his mouth on pizza?

He ate it before it was cool.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:54 pm 
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Posts: 3108
I just watched a documentary about the human digestive system; I wouldn't recommend it, it had a sh*tty ending.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 8:58 am 
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Posts: 193
ToughGuy wrote:
Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
:D


loved every single one of these

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2012 8:38 pm 
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Image


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2012 8:44 pm 
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2012 8:45 pm 
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Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour

But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:
'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 12:25 pm 
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It's the 1930's and a member of the New York explorers club is hunting for rare animals in darkest Africa.

He comes across the strangest looking beast he has ever seen. It's a quarter part elephant, a quarter monkey, a quarter hippo and a quarter tiger and with a very sweet disposition.

They cage it and ship it to New York to the explorers club where he exhibits the creature that he calls a "Rarey" and gives a talk on it before the members.

Over a short period of time he notices that the Rarey is growing extremely fast and is soon too large to keep in a cage. He decides to return it to its home in Africa even though there is not enough food around to keep it alive. They reach the edge of a tall cliff and they both look over knowing that the Rarey, unable to survive, must go over the edge to his death.

The explorer says "Good bye old friend I will miss you". To his surprise the Rarey speaks for the first time. It looks down over the steep cliff and sings, "It's a long way to Tipperary".


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2012 10:34 am 
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Did you hear about the bloke who attacked someone with a yoghurt?
He was charged with fromage affray...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 10:42 pm 
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Myself & herself were at it last night when she said "could you try to be a little bit more like Man. City".
I said "what do you mean".
She said, "stay on top for ages & then come second".

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 11:15 pm 
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With regards to the aircraft tech log entries, I've seen them before but there are also quite a few funny air traffic control conversations out there.

The best I've heard of personally was a flight from UK to Poland, which diverted into Germany due to fog in Poland. As there were quite a lot of diverted aircraft due to the weather, all the coaches had already been used up taking passengers on to other destinations by road. A German handling agent boarded this aircraft and informed the pilots, "we have run out of coaches, we will be loading the passengers on to trains to take them to their destination." Quick as a flash the first officer replied, "yeah, I don't think they're going to fall for that one again." He got called into head office for that one.

Anyway, here are a few more.

http://www.smilespedia.com/funny-air-tr ... rs-quotes/

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