planetf1.com
http://forum.planet-f1.com/

The Joke Thread
http://forum.planet-f1.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=96
Page 1 of 30

Author:  moose22 [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 4:39 pm ]
Post subject:  The Joke Thread

I'll start....


Two dogs meet at the Vets
First dog: "So, what you in here for then?"
Second dog: "Well, I bit the postman, I'm being put down. What you in here for?"
First dog: "I bit he master, he's not happy and I'm being put down aswell"

Just then the first dog looks up an sees a great big Alsatian across the room
and asks: "What you in here for then?"
The Alsatian reply's: "Well, it's the master you see. There she was in the bathroom...stark naked....
and she bent over. Well, I just couldn't help myself. I ran up and bleedin well gave her one!
First dog: "OH fairy cakes!! You being put down as well then?
Alsatian: Nah, I'm having me nails cut.

Author:  Banana Man [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 6:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Does Sean Connery like herbs?

Yes. But only partially.

Author:  dabi [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 6:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

My wife rang to say she's just gone into labour.

I told her it was bloody ridiculous to start a career in politics when we're expecting a baby.    

Author:  minchy [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

2 fish is a tank and one says to the other 'How d'you drive this thing?'

Author:  Zero [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: " Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".

Slightly nerdy..

Author:  Siao7 [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Zero wrote:
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: " Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".

Slightly nerdy..



Hmmmm, didn't get it...... Blame my English!

Author:  vikz22 [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Zero wrote:
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: " Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".

Slightly nerdy..



:lol: :lol: :lol:

Author:  j man [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

conjunctivitis.com: That's a site for sore eyes

Unfortunately most of the jokes I know would result in a ban.

Author:  dabi [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

I was going to post a joke about midgets but hey life's to short......!

Author:  AndyPerry [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 9:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Chuck Norris can turn USA into a USB.

Author:  ToughGuy [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 10:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

moose22 wrote:
I'll start....


Two dogs meet at the Vets
First dog: "So, what you in here for then?"
Second dog: "Well, I bit the postman, I'm being put down. What you in here for?"
First dog: "I bit he master, he's not happy and I'm being put down aswell"

Just then the first dog looks up an sees a great big Alsatian across the room
and asks: "What you in here for then?"
The Alsatian reply's: "Well, it's the master you see. There she was in the bathroom...stark naked....
and she bent over. Well, I just couldn't help myself. I ran up and bleedin well gave her one!
First dog: "OH fairy cakes!! You being put down as well then?
Alsatian: Nah, I'm having me nails cut.



:lol: :lol: thatll do for me

Author:  Chocksaway [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 10:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a pet spider, he is is told it wlll be £50.00, he declines, saying it will be cheaper off the web....

Author:  huggybear [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 10:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

A suspicious looking man is stopped at border control while driving a motorbike with a bag on the back.
The customs official at the border crossing asks the man to produce his identification, which he does, and it all checks out fine. He then 'asks what's in the bag?'
The man on the bike replies 'sand'. Lo and behold, when the bag is checked, it just contains sand.

Having remembered the odd case of the man on a motorbike with a bag of sand, the guy at customs recognises the same suspicious man coming to the same border crossing twice a month for 6 months, always with a bag of sand, and always with the right identification.
After those 6 months, curiousity gets the better of the customs official, and the next time he sees the man on the bike he stops him for a chat.

'Listen mate', he says. 'You've been coming here every 2 weeks for 6 months, always with a bag of sand that checks out. I can never find anything on you, but I'm convinced you are smuggling something across the border. If you tell me how you are getting away with it, I promise I won't arrest you, I'm just curious'.

The man gives him a long stare, but eventually says slowly 'Are you sure you won't arrest me?'. The custom official swears to God that he will not tell a soul, and it's only to stop him wondering about it.

'Fine' the man says. 'I have been smuggling something over the border'.

'What is it?!' cries the customs official.

The man replies 'Motorcycles'

Author:  ToughGuy [ Wed Feb 29, 2012 10:48 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

:lol:
huggybear wrote:
A suspicious looking man is stopped at border control while driving a motorbike with a bag on the back.
The customs official at the border crossing asks the man to produce his identification, which he does, and it all checks out fine. He then 'asks what's in the bag?'
The man on the bike replies 'sand'. Lo and behold, when the bag is checked, it just contains sand.

Having remembered the odd case of the man on a motorbike with a bag of sand, the guy at customs recognises the same suspicious man coming to the same border crossing twice a month for 6 months, always with a bag of sand, and always with the right identification.
After those 6 months, curiousity gets the better of the customs official, and the next time he sees the man on the bike he stops him for a chat.

'Listen mate', he says. 'You've been coming here every 2 weeks for 6 months, always with a bag of sand that checks out. I can never find anything on you, but I'm convinced you are smuggling something across the border. If you tell me how you are getting away with it, I promise I won't arrest you, I'm just curious'.

The man gives him a long stare, but eventually says slowly 'Are you sure you won't arrest me?'. The custom official swears to God that he will not tell a soul, and it's only to stop him wondering about it.

'Fine' the man says. 'I have been smuggling something over the border'.

'What is it?!' cries the customs official.

The man replies 'Motorcycles'



:lol: brilliant

Author:  Blinky McSquinty [ Thu Mar 01, 2012 1:13 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

true story:

My uncle went into a barber shop for a haircut. He sat down and noticed a kid in the seat next to him. My uncle was .. folliculy challenged (aka balding) In an effort to make small talk, he asks the barber why he has to pay more for his haircut than the kid. The kid turns to him and states, "that's because he has to search for yours."

Author:  mastergee [ Thu Mar 01, 2012 1:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

huggybear wrote:
A suspicious looking man is stopped at border control while driving a motorbike with a bag on the back.
The customs official at the border crossing asks the man to produce his identification, which he does, and it all checks out fine. He then 'asks what's in the bag?'
The man on the bike replies 'sand'. Lo and behold, when the bag is checked, it just contains sand.

Having remembered the odd case of the man on a motorbike with a bag of sand, the guy at customs recognises the same suspicious man coming to the same border crossing twice a month for 6 months, always with a bag of sand, and always with the right identification.
After those 6 months, curiousity gets the better of the customs official, and the next time he sees the man on the bike he stops him for a chat.

'Listen mate', he says. 'You've been coming here every 2 weeks for 6 months, always with a bag of sand that checks out. I can never find anything on you, but I'm convinced you are smuggling something across the border. If you tell me how you are getting away with it, I promise I won't arrest you, I'm just curious'.

The man gives him a long stare, but eventually says slowly 'Are you sure you won't arrest me?'. The custom official swears to God that he will not tell a soul, and it's only to stop him wondering about it.

'Fine' the man says. 'I have been smuggling something over the border'.

'What is it?!' cries the customs official.

The man replies 'Motorcycles'


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Author:  SharleneCo84 [ Thu Mar 01, 2012 1:57 am ]
Post subject:  kerry propper

When I read this I felt like my brain expanded a little.

Author:  moose22 [ Thu Mar 01, 2012 8:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start'

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks
are too high.'

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty
and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family,
so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my
younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other
one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying
on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the
man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches
out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes
him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and
put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Monkey and an Hyena, best of mates were walking through the jungle when the
Hyena was attacked by a vicious Lion. The Monkey escaped up a nearby tree and
watched his friend the Hyena being mauled and ripped to bits.
Once the fight was over the Hyena was only just alive and turned to the Monkey and said.
"Why didn't you come and help me?" And the Monkey replied, "The way you were laughing
I thought you were winning so I didn't bother."

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house
that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other.
The doctor asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' I said 'you have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.


:lol: That's enough.


Tommy Cooper - legend :D

Author:  Banana Man [ Fri Mar 02, 2012 3:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

My mum just told me Davy Jones has died, I thought she was joking at first.

But then I saw her face,
Now I'm a bereaver

Too soon?

Author:  domdonald [ Sat Mar 03, 2012 2:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

LOL :thumbup:

Author:  F1yer [ Sun Mar 04, 2012 4:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

SchumieRules wrote:
Zero wrote:
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: " Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".

Slightly nerdy..



Hmmmm, didn't get it...... Blame my English!


I wouldnt call it blame ... But whatever it is called , English has very little to do with it.

Look up Heisenberg and it would be clear.

Author:  ToughGuy [ Sun Mar 04, 2012 4:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Banana Man wrote:
My mum just told me Davy Jones has died, I thought she was joking at first.

But then I saw her face,
Now I'm a bereaver

Too soon?

:lol: that's ok with the timing.

Author:  Banana Man [ Sun Mar 04, 2012 7:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

was walking through the cemetery the other day and saw 6 blokes carrying a coffin. An hour later, saw the same guys wandering around with the same coffin. I thought to myself - "They've lost the plot"

Author:  ToughGuy [ Sun Mar 04, 2012 7:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Banana Man wrote:
was walking through the cemetery the other day and saw 6 blokes carrying a coffin. An hour later, saw the same guys wandering around with the same coffin. I thought to myself - "They've lost the plot"



Booooo !!!! :thumbdown: :D

Author:  Banana Man [ Sun Mar 04, 2012 7:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

I found my first grey pube today. Normally that kind of thing wouldn't bother me, but it was in a Ginsters pasty.

Author:  Banana Man [ Sun Mar 04, 2012 7:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

I was sat on the edge of my bed last night, pulling off my boxers when the wife said, "please don't do that to the dogs."

Author:  domdonald [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 8:44 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Banana Man wrote:
I was sat on the edge of my bed last night, pulling off my boxers when the wife said, "please don't do that to the dogs."


:thumbup: :]

(I'd like to point out that it took a good few seconds to figure that one out...)

Author:  vikz22 [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 8:55 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

domdonald wrote:
Banana Man wrote:
I was sat on the edge of my bed last night, pulling off my boxers when the wife said, "please don't do that to the dogs."


:thumbup: :]

(I'd like to point out that it took a good few seconds to figure that one out...)



:lol:

same here

Author:  nexus [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 11:48 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions
at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and love watching sport.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Author:  nexus [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 11:49 am ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Image

Author:  Peagull [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 2:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

nexus wrote:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions
at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

.............

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and love watching sport.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


I'm dying here :lol: :lol: :lol: brilliant

Author:  vikz22 [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 2:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

nexus wrote:
Image



i read it right cos its true :P

Author:  bbobeckyj [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 4:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

nexus wrote:
Image

Very good :lol:

Author:  bbobeckyj [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 4:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

vikz22 wrote:


i read it right cos its true :P

You have a bick?

Author:  vikz22 [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 4:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

bbobeckyj wrote:
vikz22 wrote:


i read it right cos its true :P

You have a bick?



not just a bick, a dig bick!!!

Author:  mac_d [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 5:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

nexus wrote:
Image


I read the first line correct but got the second line wrong. Pretty smart though, I like stuff like that.

Sidenote - We did Psychology at school and they had a cool thing where they basically show that positioning of letters, outwith first and last isn't really that important to being able to read. Very strange to see.

Author:  mac_d [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 5:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Banana Man wrote:
was walking through the cemetery the other day and saw 6 blokes carrying a coffin. An hour later, saw the same guys wandering around with the same coffin. I thought to myself - "They've lost the plot"


I'm going to a funeral on Wednesday... It is going to take all my restraint not to bust out this joke.

Also enjoyed the Ginster's and Boxers jokes.

Author:  moose22 [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 6:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

Banana Man wrote:
I found my first grey pube today. Normally that kind of thing wouldn't bother me, but it was in a Ginsters pasty.


x( x( but :lol: :lol:

Author:  moose22 [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 6:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

domdonald wrote:
Banana Man wrote:
I was sat on the edge of my bed last night, pulling off my boxers when the wife said, "please don't do that to the dogs."


:thumbup: :]

(I'd like to point out that it took a good few seconds to figure that one out...)


:lol: :lol: me too!

Author:  Banana Man [ Mon Mar 05, 2012 9:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Joke Thread

I got sacked from my Taxi firm today for having sex with one of our customers on the back seat.

Well I say taxi, technically it's a hearse.

Page 1 of 30 All times are UTC
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
http://www.phpbb.com/