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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 10:58 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
A couple were having sex in a car when a row broke out. The girl whips out a knife and slices his knob off and kicks him screaming out of the car. She then enters the motoway and drives off doing 90mph. She looks over at the knob on the seat and decides to throw it out of the window.

Leisurely driving behind was two Nuns, when suddenly the knob slams into the wind screen.

"Bejesus Sister Mary, did you see the size of that prick on that fly!?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 5:31 am 
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Location: Pismo Beach, California
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah:

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

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 Post subject: Lexophilic Phun
PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 5:34 am 
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Location: Pismo Beach, California
For the lexophiles (lovers of words):

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”
32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
34. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 12:18 am 
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Bounce,

those are marvelous. Really, really enjoyed those.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 11:03 am 
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I've looked carefully at those internet photos of Prince Harry and I'm not convinced its really him. In fact, I can't see Hewitt is.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2012 11:12 am 
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A guy goes to the tax department to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2012 11:58 am 
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nexus wrote:
A guy goes to the tax department to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."



:lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2012 4:48 pm 
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Apparently there is a large orange man-eater on the prowl in Essex.

You can finish off this joke yourself if you like

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 11:22 am 
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One for today

Image


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 10:27 am 
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ah-ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his willy off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 9:55 pm 
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A couple of interesting facts about my life:

1. My penis is exactly the same length as 2 argos pens.
2. I'm banned from Argos.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 9:59 pm 
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Two women where walking home after a girls night out and they felt the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.

Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.

Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 10:02 pm 
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Rick Astley just asked if he could borrow my collection of Disney Pixar DVDs.

I said he could have Ratatoille and Toy Story but I'm never going to give you Up.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2012 9:43 am 
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Location: Planet Earth
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on.
The first surgeon said 'electricians are the best. Everything inside is colour coded'.
The second surgeon says 'no, I think librarians are the best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order'.
The third surgeon shut them up when he said 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate. No guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the pickle are interchangeable.'

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2012 8:02 pm 
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Location: Kent
So i asked myself the other day if my wife finds my body satisfying





















a small part of me says no.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 7:41 am 
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At Asda buying a bag of Purina dog food for my dog, while in the check-out line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT ???
So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 8:34 pm 
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Bit skint at the moment so I'm thinking about setting up a lesbian-chicken dating service. Just to make hens meet.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 8:59 am 
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I’m finally over my Oki Koki obsession. I’ve turned myself around. That’s what it’s all about.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 9:55 am 
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I remember when I was at school you used to have a ruler, protractor, pencil and calculator for a maths lesson.

Apparently nowadays all you need is a rubber............

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 1:39 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
I remember when I was at school you used to have a ruler, protractor, pencil and calculator for a maths lesson.

Apparently nowadays all you need is a rubber............

:lol:

But I think those outside the UK won't have heard that news..


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 9:44 pm 
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Location: Colwyn Bay, North Wales
Ladies. If a man says he'll fix something, he will. There's no need to remind him every 6 months.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 10:05 pm 
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Tufty wrote:
Ladies. If a man says he'll fix something, he will. There's no need to remind him every 6 months.



:lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 12:10 am 
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I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 8:54 am 
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During a team motivation morning, to get us to look at higher things and move forward in life, my boss told us to 'dress for the job we want, not for the job we are doing.'

I'm currently sat in a disciplinary hearing in my Batman costume.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 11:07 am 
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Some jokes sent to me today:



Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...



A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...



Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....



I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...



Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him



I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69



After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 11:48 am 
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Location: Planet Earth
Signs You Might Be A Redneck

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 12:20 pm 
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A woman was paranoid of her wrinkles, but as you would imagine, most surgeons refuse to do a face lift more often than around every 5 years. Eventually she finds a doctor who will do one every year for her, but with all the nagging it eventually becomes less that that.

When she goes for her 'annual' fix, the doc tells her he has to go home for a while and it may be 2 or even 3 years before he can see her again.

The woman is distraught and gets really stuck into him to such an extent that he relents and tells her of a new technique just being developed. It involves a roller fitted in the nape of the neck which tensions the skin of the face. After the installation, and making her promise to only adjust it by one click every 4 months, he takes his leave and is gone for several years.

On his return the woman comes to see him again. He asks her if there had been any trouble, to which she replies, well, I have adjusted it slightly more than I promised, but I have 2 other problems at the moment.

What are they the doc asked?

Well she said, lifting her hair line, I seem to have a strange growth here. Which he examines.

He says, My goodness, you have been over using the tensioner haven't you?

Well, yes I suppose I have she says, Why, is that the problem.

The Doc says, yes, it is. that 'growth' is infact your naval.

Ah she replies, that would explain my other problem, I keep growing a goatee beard.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 11:16 pm 
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What are the rules about jokes in very bad taste? I've got some which aren't racist/homophobic or anything but I certainly wouldn't tell them to a vicar.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 11:30 pm 
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I think pretty much anything goes here. Just hide any contentious ones in a spoiler and warn people. Just in case.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 7:19 am 
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Tufty wrote:
I think pretty much anything goes here. Just hide any contentious ones in a spoiler and warn people. Just in case.


I agree with Tufty here. Spoilers and warning as we may have kids reading


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 7:47 am 
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SchumieRules wrote:
Tufty wrote:
I think pretty much anything goes here. Just hide any contentious ones in a spoiler and warn people. Just in case.

I agree with Tufty here. Spoilers and warning as we may have kids reading

Do you mean like this?

Some people may find this one offensive or in bad taste!


“It’s been a while but my wife swallowed after a treat last night. Looks like she could be coming out of the coma soon.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 11:52 am 
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SchumieRules wrote:
Tufty wrote:
I think pretty much anything goes here. Just hide any contentious ones in a spoiler and warn people. Just in case.


I agree with Tufty here. Spoilers and warning as we may have kids reading


I think anything really bad should be spoilered, but it's a joke thread... I expect some dirty jokes etc when I'm in here. Anything linked should be marked NSFW if it's even just slightly dodgy. But when it's just text, spoilers and say it's a bit dodgy. If people dislike, mods will delete. I'd doubt you'd get a ban or anything.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 12:16 pm 
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The issue with humour is there is no set limit beyond which it's not funny. It's a very subjective thing, and ought to be treated as such.

As it was done above should be fine for warning about potentially contentious jokes, I would have thought.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 12:48 pm 
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HIGHLY inappropriate post removed

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 2:03 pm 
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Spoiler is easy you use the spoiler tags (spoiler) potentially dodgy text (/spoiler) but change the round brackets () for square brackets []

Spoiler (click to show)


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 2:31 pm 
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Spoiler (click to show)

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 6:58 pm 
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And if you want text other than 'spoiler' it's (spoiler="dont look")
"dont look" (click to show)

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 7:56 pm 
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I'd love to see Gilette have Roger Federer , Tiger Woods and David Beckham try to shave a bear...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 8:02 pm 
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mac_d wrote:
I'd love to see Gilette have Roger Federer , Tiger Woods and David Beckham try to shave a bear...


I think that add would be better suited to Black & Decker.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:51 pm 
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minchy wrote:
And if you want text other than 'spoiler' it's (spoiler="dont look")
"dont look" (click to show)

That card must have been designed by a woman. Otherwise it would have said beaver.

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