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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:30 pm 
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Location: Colwyn Bay, North Wales
moby wrote:
Been having a boys weekend with my mates. I was enjoying it until someone told me my wife placed an add in our local paper today.

It said

Husband missing, last seen on motorcycle.
Reward for return of motorcycle.

Similar to what a friend has in her kitchen: "Husband and dog missing. Reward for dog."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 9:30 am 
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Or "I got a beautiful husky last week but my boyfriend is allergic to it. so one of them has to go. Sensible offers accepted for either. "

:)


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 10:45 am 
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£500 for the husky or a shotgun for the boyfriend. Whichever you feel is a fairer offer :P

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 12:45 pm 
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:lol: :lol: You guys are too much. Wait, do you think I could get something for my husband :D


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 3:51 pm 
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I was under the impression that only the dog was worth actually buying :P

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 5:53 pm 
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http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/for ... 3032663802


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 10:26 am 
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Q. What did Bilbo Baggins remark at 4.55pm of a Friday afternoon after a particularly hard week?
A. "I could 'mordor' a pint."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 10:54 am 
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wj_gibson wrote:
Q. What did Bilbo Baggins remark at 4.55pm of a Friday afternoon after a particularly hard week?
A. "I could 'mordor' a pint."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 2:14 pm 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2013 8:06 am 
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My ex asked me for the naked pictures I took of her.

That's fine, I'm not one to hold a grudge.


I sent her the link


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2013 5:56 pm 
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My niece had a row in school today. They were asked where men had the curliest hair.
Apparently its Fiji.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2013 6:21 pm 
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My Iphone doesnt know fairy cakes
It knows "Shot" and "Shut" and even knows "Shat", but refuses to learn present tense

Total Bullshat!!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:52 pm 
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This one goes way back to the Reagan presidency.

Reagan goes in for his annual physical. The doctor starts examining him and while inspecting his eardrums says, "Mr. president why do you have a suppository in your ear"?

Reagan says "Huhnnnnn"!

The doctor says again, " Mr president you have a suppository in your ear what's it doing in there?"

Reagan says "Huhnnnnn"!

Cleary irritated the doctor yanks out the suppository and holds it in front of the president and says, "What the hell is a suppository doing in your ear?"

Oh says Reagan, "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:03 pm 
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Location: Secret Volcano Lair
Tit for Tat??
Tat you luck lovely individual.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 18, 2013 7:40 pm 
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Race2win wrote:
My Iphone doesnt know fairy cakes
It knows "Shot" and "Shut" and even knows "Shat", but refuses to learn present tense

Total Bullshat!!

Am I allowed to post this, or is it considered a complete article?

http://www.whoisjackshit.com/


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married her cousin Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chick N. Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 18, 2013 8:26 pm 
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:lol: :lol: that was ace moby!


so New Zealand have legalised gay marriage,

I don't think frodo has to leave middle Earth anymore

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 5:08 pm 
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I've seen some pretty serious allegations in the paper today from the boys who put the powder on the noses of the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of King Caractacus.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 10:55 am 
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When a man opens the car door for a woman,

One of them is new!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 11:01 am 
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Mickey Mouse & Minnie are getting a divorce & Mickey retains a lawyer to speak for him in court.

The big day arrives & Mickey's lawyer rises to address the Judge: "Your Honour, Mr Mouse is seeking a divorce from his wife Minnie on the grounds that she is a very stupid mouse". Whereupon Mickey jumps up & shouts out: "Your Honour, I seek leave to confer with my Counsel!"

The lawyer comes over to Mickey, very angry. He whispers: "What's wrong? I've only just started." Mickey whispers back to him: "I didn't tell you she was very stupid. I told you she was f**king Goofy.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 3:09 pm 
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I complained to the wife that our lovemaking was getting stale. She said well whats th matter. So I reply, well for a start, you never tell me when you orgasm, to which she replied Well you said not to phone you in work unless it was an emergency :?


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 3:35 pm 
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DrG wrote:
Mickey Mouse & Minnie are getting a divorce & Mickey retains a lawyer to speak for him in court.

The big day arrives & Mickey's lawyer rises to address the Judge: "Your Honour, Mr Mouse is seeking a divorce from his wife Minnie on the grounds that she is a very stupid mouse". Whereupon Mickey jumps up & shouts out: "Your Honour, I seek leave to confer with my Counsel!"

The lawyer comes over to Mickey, very angry. He whispers: "What's wrong? I've only just started." Mickey whispers back to him: "I didn't tell you she was very stupid. I told you she was f**king Goofy.


:lol: :lol: :lol: I'm stealing this.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 3:40 pm 
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The bad guys have captured the Lone Ranger, have him naked on the ground, and are about to shoot him. "Do you have any last wishes??", one of them asks.

"Bring my horse, Silver, over here.", the Long Ranger replies.

They grant his wish and over comes Silver. The Lone Ranger whispers for a moment into Silver's ear. Then Silver disappears over the horizon like lightning. He returns in just a few seconds with a big, beautiful woman in the saddle. She hops off Silver, strips naked and in short order she and the Long Ranger enjoy themselves to the utmost, much to the delight of the bad guys.

When they've finished, another bad guy says, "That looked like good fun. Do you have any other last wishes??"

"Yes ..bring my horse, Silver, over here one more time.", the Long Ranger replies.

Silver approaches, and the Long Ranger whispers into his ear, "You idiot! I said bring POSSE!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 1:06 pm 
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Some odd newspaper clippings on this website here, some of them highly amusing:
http://www.urlesque.com/2009/03/03/why- ... -articles/


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 6:26 pm 
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Location: In the misty morning, on the edge of time.
SchumieRules wrote:
The bad guys have captured the Lone Ranger, have him naked on the ground, and are about to shoot him. "Do you have any last wishes??", one of them asks.

"Bring my horse, Silver, over here.", the Long Ranger replies.

They grant his wish and over comes Silver. The Lone Ranger whispers for a moment into Silver's ear. Then Silver disappears over the horizon like lightning. He returns in just a few seconds with a big, beautiful woman in the saddle. She hops off Silver, strips naked and in short order she and the Long Ranger enjoy themselves to the utmost, much to the delight of the bad guys.

When they've finished, another bad guy says, "That looked like good fun. Do you have any other last wishes??"

"Yes ..bring my horse, Silver, over here one more time.", the Long Ranger replies.

Silver approaches, and the Long Ranger whispers into his ear, "You idiot! I said bring POSSE!"


:lol: :lol: :lol: That was excellent. Forwarding this one

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 11:21 am 
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Sticking with the cowboy/horse theme.... A cowboy rides into town, hitches his horse to the a rail then walks around and lifts the tail of his horse and plants a big wet kiss right on its pickle. a fellow watching all this asks him "Say, why did you kiss your horse on his pickle?" and the cowboy replies "Chapped lips" fellow says "does that help?" and the cowboy replies "No but it sure stops you licking them"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 13, 2013 8:41 am 
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A man walks to a bar but slips on a stray dog turd on the pavement outside, banging his knee. Limping to the bar, rubbing his knee and cursing irresponsible dog owners, he orders a drink.

Whilst sat at the bar, he observes another member of the public approach the bar and slip up on the very same dog turd. The other man grazes his hand and, having picked himself back up, walks in applying a tissue to the wound. The man at the bar, in an effort to start conversation and lghten the other man's mood, points at the offending turd and says 'I just did that.'

The second man grabs him, drags him outside, and rubs his nose in it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 16, 2013 8:29 pm 
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Boy..... 'Daddy Daddy I want to be shot into space'

Dad.... 'If I wasn't so drunk at the time son, you would have been'


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 22, 2013 8:49 am 
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A guy was asked to attend to the principal’s office at his son’s school.

- I have some good news and some bad news about your son
- Ok, give me the bad news first then
- The other kids are calling him “Mary”
- What? Oh no. So what’s the good news?


- Well, he was voted miss March…


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 25, 2013 2:06 pm 
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One day the Pope and the Queen of England were sitting in a balcony discussing their power over their people. The Queen tells the Pope, "With one simple wave of my hand I can make my followers go crazy." "Prove it," says the Pope. The Queen then stood up, raises her hands in the air, and her beloved followers yelled, whistled, and clapped until she had lowered her hand. The Queen then sat back down and looked at the Pope to see what he had to say.

The Pope sat for a moment deeply contemplating on how he could top her stunt. He then said to the Queen, with great confidence, "With a movement of MY hand I can not only make this crowd go wild, but give them a story so great they will tell their children, their children's children, and so on." "I highly doubt that," remarked the Queen. So the Pope stood up, moved over towards the Queen and slapped her


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 07, 2013 12:27 am 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" the woman asked her husband.

"No" answered her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" she then asked her husband.

"Uh...no, I haven't" he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said while obviously becoming even more excited.

"Well, go look in the garage!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2013 4:10 pm 
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Our local Hospital has just built a new Wing.
I still don't think they will get the thing off the ground :blush:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2013 9:47 pm 
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You hear about the cowboy who walked into town in a polyester suit?

The marshal shot him for rustling.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 12:22 am 
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I heard a joke about Elton John today. It's a little bit funny...

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 12:23 am 
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Image

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:01 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
Image


How can you get into a 'scuffle' in the middle of a haircut?????? :D

My gran always had a phrase , he's got his hair off with someone'. Must have been this :D


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 2:51 pm 
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In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks, several cases of beer and a cost of around $75.46 they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 3:03 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 3:27 pm 
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I've just started having a sexual relationship with a blind woman. I find it both rewarding and challenging. Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 12:52 pm 
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Something I just shamelessly stole from Facebook (mainly aimed at Saz):

After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, known as a 'gripe sheet' to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a 'P') and the solutions recorded (marked by an 'S') by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humour:

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can't reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. —

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 1:14 pm 
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minchy wrote:
Spoiler (click to show)


Didn't someone already post something very similar to this? I remember the midget one and I'm sure it is from this thread.


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