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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 1:38 pm 
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Posts: 1434
Location: Sydney, Australia
minchy wrote:
Something I just shamelessly stole from Facebook (mainly aimed at Saz):

After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, known as a 'gripe sheet' to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a 'P') and the solutions recorded (marked by an 'S') by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humour:

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can't reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. —

:lol: :lol: :lol: This one has been around for a while & I have always loved it. I once sent it to my middle brother, who started as a ground engineer at Qantas when he was 16 & ended up in management before he retired 2 years ago at 63, & asked him if this could be true but I never got an answer. Having had & still have quite a few Qantas pilots in my family I can't see them accepting these answers as just being witty & funny as they take any faults found very seriously, as they should, so I expect it's not true. Maybe Banana Man, who is the only member of this forum that I know is a pilot, could give us his opinion :D


Last edited by DrG on Wed Jun 19, 2013 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 1:40 pm 
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Extract from the Irish Sex Instruction Manual....... 'push it in, pull it out, repeat if necessary' .


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 1:47 pm 
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mac_d wrote:
minchy wrote:
Spoiler (click to show)


Didn't someone already post something very similar to this? I remember the midget one and I'm sure it is from this thread.

oops, yes. Tough guy posted it on page 2 :blush:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 10:49 am 
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http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=95c_1371654375

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 12:04 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=95c_1371654375


That was amusing but also rather unpleasant...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 4:09 pm 
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mac_d wrote:
Banana Man wrote:
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=95c_1371654375


That was amusing but also rather unpleasant...


I saw the title and turned off immediately :?


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 5:43 pm 
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Posts: 760
Location: In the misty morning, on the edge of time.
minchy wrote:
Something I just shamelessly stole from Facebook (mainly aimed at Saz):

After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, known as a 'gripe sheet' to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a 'P') and the solutions recorded (marked by an 'S') by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humour:

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can't reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. —


:lol: These are genius. There are some excellent air traffic transmission ones as well, I must dig them up.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 8:54 pm 
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runningman67 wrote:
mac_d wrote:
Banana Man wrote:
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=95c_1371654375


That was amusing but also rather unpleasant...


I saw the title and turned off immediately :?

:lol: awesome!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:58 pm 
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Posts: 940
runningman67 wrote:
mac_d wrote:
Banana Man wrote:
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=95c_1371654375


That was amusing but also rather unpleasant...


I saw the title and turned off immediately :?


It's probably not as unpleasant as you think it might be based on someone saying it's unpleasant...

...it's only the implication it makes that's unpleasant...

:D :D :D


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 9:06 am 
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I read this today:


When I see a woman bus driver I am a happy man. I think to myself, how far have we come as a society, to get rid of all sexism, taboos and stupid superstitions. A society where man and woman are equal.


Then I wait for the next bus...


Last edited by Siao7 on Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 22, 2013 11:28 am 
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I think I might have a stalker. According to the Facebook ads, 23 year old Lucy is only 4 miles away. She was also 4 miles away when I visited Southampton and London recently.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 22, 2013 8:48 pm 
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Location: South Yorkshire
This has most likely been posted already but it gets me every time I watch it :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c

Hope you all enjoy :)

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 11:31 am 
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Rihanna has accused Chris Brown of cheating on her. Apparently he came home one night with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 11:38 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
Rihanna has accused Chris Brown of cheating on her. Apparently he came home one night with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.



And texted to my brothers and some friends. I do love a good shady joke.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:27 am 
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.


Last edited by Black_Flag_11 on Sat Apr 12, 2014 8:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:33 am 
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Connery gets a call on his mobile. His agent says Sean you have a job in the morning.
You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Connery hangs up, rubs his chin and thinks Where can I borrow a racket?


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 4:02 pm 
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My new girlfriend is a porn star. She's going to be furious when she finds out.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 4:21 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She's going to be furious when she finds out.

8O ......... :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 08, 2013 8:06 pm 
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So Abu Qatada has been handed over to Jordan. Christ knows what she's going to do to him.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:07 pm 
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On the bus some hoody approximately 11 years old noticed me checking F1 site's on my phone.
He said "F1 is a joke, havnt you got anything better to do?"
I replied "Here's a joke for you... Cheap Education"
He looked confused and said "I don't get it"
I smirked and replied "and you never will"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:59 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
So Abu Qatada has been handed over to Jordan. Christ knows what she's going to do to him.

Eddie will straighten him out :D


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 10, 2013 3:03 am 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
Ed and his wife Norma go to the fair every year. And every year Ed would say, "Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Norma always replied, " I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty pounds, and fifty pounds is fifty pounds!"

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, "Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Norma replied, "Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty pounds, and fifty pounds is fifty pounds." The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, you pay fifty pounds." Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again... but still not a peep! When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Ed replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Norma fell out. But you know, fifty pounds is fifty pounds!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 10, 2013 8:59 am 
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

Good one :thumbup:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 10, 2013 4:45 pm 
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Location: In the misty morning, on the edge of time.
DrG wrote:
Ed and his wife Norma go to the fair every year. And every year Ed would say, "Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Norma always replied, " I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty pounds, and fifty pounds is fifty pounds!"

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, "Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Norma replied, "Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty pounds, and fifty pounds is fifty pounds." The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, you pay fifty pounds." Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again... but still not a peep! When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Ed replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Norma fell out. But you know, fifty pounds is fifty pounds!"


:lol: :lol: :thumbup: Sharing this one at work!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 16, 2013 11:24 pm 
Black_Flag_11 wrote:
On the bus some hoody approximately 11 years old noticed me checking F1 site's on my phone.
He said "F1 is a joke, havnt you got anything better to do?"
I replied "Here's a joke for you... Cheap Education"
He looked confused and said "I don't get it"
I smirked and replied "and you never will"


LOL thanks for that, almost sprayed my 2nd monitor with coffee.. haha


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 4:16 pm 
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I always get confused about medical acronyms like PMS and BSE.

I know one is a disease which affects cows, attacking the brain and making them go mental. Apparently the other is some kind of farm problem.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 6:12 pm 
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A dog went into a post office to send a telegram. The man at the counter asked the dog to write down what they wanted to send. Taking a blank form, the dog wrote “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The man at the counter examined the form and politely told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The dog replied, “But that wouldn't make any sense at all!”

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 19, 2013 3:26 pm 
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Was walking through a graveyard this morning and I saw a man crouching next to a tombstone.
"Morning!" I said
"No, I'm just taking a sh*t," he replied.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 19, 2013 3:29 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
Was walking through a graveyard this morning and I saw a man crouching next to a tombstone.
"Morning!" I said
"No, I'm just taking a sh*t," he replied.


:lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 19, 2013 9:03 pm 
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My ex had a pet parrot. Dear god, that thing wouldn't shut up.

The parrot was great though


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 19, 2013 9:37 pm 
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Thieves are stealing telescopes off Blackpool front during the night and replacing them with kaleidoscopes.


Police say there may be a pattern developing.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 22, 2013 8:05 am 
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 22, 2013 8:32 am 
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What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!' The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story straight.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 22, 2013 8:43 am 
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Customs Official: 'May I know your name?'
Passenger: 'Batman'
Customs Official: 'What's your name?!'
Passenger: 'My name is Batman'
Customs Official: 'Trying to be funny? What's your surname?'
Passenger: 'Superman'
Customs Official: 'So you're telling me your name is Batman Superman?'
Passenger: 'Yes'
Customs Official: 'Arrest the guy'

When they arrested him, he produced his identification...

Image

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 5:37 pm 
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With the current Pitbabes and Gridgirls debate raging elsewhere this is going to put a few noses severely out of joint so STOP reading now.
A woman goes to see her doctor because she feels her husband is losing interest in her. The doc gives her a thorough exam and can find no clinical abnormality so he suggests she see a specialist "You should go and see my colleague Dr. Chan" She duly makes an appointment and heads off to see Dr. Chan. He looks her over and then says "go behind scleen and take off you crows" So she goes behind the screen and disrobes. "OK crawl acloss floor on hands and knees" She crawls across the floor to the far wall "OK now turn lound and crawl back" So she returns to her starting point. "Hmmmm. Yeah, you got Ed Zachary disease" "Oh my God doctor! What is Ed Zachary disease?" "It mean your face rook edzachary rike your pickle!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 31, 2013 11:04 am 
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Fantastic thread. Quick one to get started:

A fish hits a wall while swimming along and says "Damn"!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 31, 2013 11:11 am 
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A guy in a bar walks up to the barman and says "I'll bet you £100 that you can line up 10 shot glasses along the bar, and I can pee into all of them without getting a single drop on the bar".
The barman thinks he'll never make it and says "You're on", and lines up 10 shot glasses along the bar.
The guy stands up on a bar stool, unzips his fly, and pisses all over the bar with hardly any going into the shot glasses.
The barman laughs at him and says "You're such an idiot, what made you ever think you could do that?"
The guy says "I never thought I could do it.... but I bet that guy in the corner £200 that I could gherkin all over your bar and you'd be happy about it"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 31, 2013 11:48 am 
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I used to own a successful fruit and vegetable business until it went into liquidation.

I now sell smoothies.

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2014 - 9th
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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 8:32 am 
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coulthards chin wrote:
I used to own a successful fruit and vegetable business until it went into liquidation.

I now sell smoothies.

Ba dum tss... :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 8:35 am 
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I alwys loze on Skrable. I fink my frends are chiting me...


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