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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 12:05 am 
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Posts: 524
A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:
HELP WANTED
Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be
bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, "Meow."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 7:20 am 
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Posts: 81
Location: Perth, WA
For the aviation guys.. Got sent this joke.. a bit of a read but still funny!



G'day Mate,
I am writing to you because I need your help to get me bloody pilot's licence back. You keep telling me you got all the right contacts. Well now's your chance to make something happen for me because, mate, I'm bloody desperate. But first, I'd better tell you what happened during my last flight review with the CAA Examiner.

On the phone, Ron (that's the CAA d*#"head), seemed a reasonable sort of a bloke. He politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two years. He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property and let me operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.

Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead because the "ALA"(Authorized Landing Area), is about a mile away. I explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was more convenient than the "ALA," and despite the power lines crossing about midway down the strip, it's really not a problem to land and take-off because at the halfway point down the strip you're usually still on the ground.

For some reason Ron, seemed nervous. So, although I had done the pre-flight inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all over again. Because the prick was watching me carefully, I walked around the plane three times instead of my usual two.

My effort was rewarded because the colour finally returned to Ron's cheeks. In fact, they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously better mood, I told him I was going to combine the test flight with some farm work, as I had to deliver three "poddy calves" from the home paddock to the main herd.
After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and threw them into the back of the ol' Cessna 172. We climbed aboard but Ron, started getting onto me about weight and balance calculations and all that crap. Of course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time because calves, like to move around a bit particularly when they see themselves 500-feet off the ground! So, it's bloody pointless trying to secure them as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't worry as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.

Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized the warm-up time by tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500 RPM. I then discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a bloody Headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and demanded I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in the fuel selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now but it doesn't matter because it's jammed on "All tanks," so I suppose that's okay.

However, as Ron was obviously a nit-picker, I blamed the noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask which I keep in a beaut little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass. My explanation seemed to relax Ron, because he slumped back in the seat and kept looking up at the cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi out but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right. "Hell" I thought," not the starboard wheel chock again."

The bump jolted Ron back to full alertness. He looked around just in time to see a rock thrown by the prop-wash disappear completely through the windscreen of his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble," I thought...

While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that we taxi to the "ALA" and instead took off under the power lines. Ron didn't say a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right at the lift off point and then he bloody screamed > his head off. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"

"Now take it easy Ron," I told him firmly. "That often happens on take-off and there is a good reason for it." I explained patiently that I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS but one day I accidentally put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of the kerosene, I siphoned in a few gallons of super MOGAS and shook the wings up and down a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has been coughing a bit but in general it works just fine, if you know how to coax it properly..

Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my test flight. He pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in prayer. (I didn't think anyone was a Catholic these days) I selected some nice music on the HF radio to help him relax. Meanwhile, I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500-feet. I don't normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because, as you know getting FAX access out here is a friggin' joke and the weather is always "8/8 blue" anyway. But since I had that near miss with a Saab 340, I might have to change me thinking on that.

Anyhow, on levelling out, I noticed some wild camels heading into my improved pasture. I hate bloody camels, and always carry a loaded 303, clipped inside the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of the bastards..

We were too high to hit them but as a matter of principle, I decided to have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle out, the effect on Ron, was friggin electric. As I fired the first shot his neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a rabbit with myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron's reaction was so distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre.

Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter pilot trick. Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on full flaps, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500-feet down to 500-feet at 130, knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and the little needle rushed up to the red area on me ASI. What a buzz, mate! About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to see the calves gracefully suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy. I was going to comment to Ron on this unusual sight but he looked a bit green and had rolled himself into the foetal position and was screaming' his 'freakin' head off. Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should've been there, it was so bloody funny!

At about 500-feet I levelled out but for some reason we kept sinking. When we reached 50-feet, I applied full power but nothing happened. No noise no nothin. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's voice in me head saying "carb heat, carb heat." So I pulled carb heat on and that helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full power. Whew, that was really close, let me tell you!

Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it, at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle and suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. You would have been really proud of me as I didn't panic once, not once but I did make a mental note to consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired (something I've been meaning to do for a while now). Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His Mouth opened very wide but no sound emerged. "Take it easy," I told him, "we'll be out of this in a minute." Sure enough, about a minute later we emerged, still straight and level and still at 50-feet.

Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down and I kept thinking to myself, "I hope Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten to set the QNH when we were taxiing." This minor tribulation forced me to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get upright again.

By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip between them. "Ah!" I thought, "there's an omen. We'll land right there."
Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a couple of steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was blaring so loud in me ear that I cut it's circuit breaker to shut it up but by then I knew we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply onto a 75-foot final and put her down with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had always thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as usual, I was proved wrong again!

Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered his sense of humour. Talk about laugh. I've never seen the likes of it. He couldn't stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted out of the aircraft like there was no tomorrow.

I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of laughter, Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was then that Ron, really lost the plot and started running away from the aircraft. Can you believe it? I saw him running off into the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with laughter. I later heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric institution - poor *inaudible*!

Anyhow mate, that's enough about Ron. The problem is I got this letter from CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly; until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and undertaken another flight proficiency test.

Now I admit that I made a mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using strip elevation but I can't see what else I did that was a so bloody bad that they have to withdraw me flamin' license. Can you?

Ralph H. Bell Mud Creek Station

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 10:58 am 
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Posts: 346
Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
Nephilist wrote:
A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:
HELP WANTED
Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be
bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, "Meow."

:thumbup: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 8:51 am 
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Posts: 477
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.
Hang in there, boy"

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice,
"William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.
That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . . The little lovely individual's name is Kevin."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 10:36 pm 
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Posts: 477
Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, "Do you think Ill live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
"Oh no," Edgar replied, "Ive never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat eye fillet steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?"
Edgar said, "No, Ive heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the doctor asked.
"No, I don't," Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?"
"No," Edgar said, "I don't do any of those things."

The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 11:10 pm 
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Went into my local chemist this morning and there was a bloke slumped over the counter, pale and shaking.

I asked the chemist what was wrong with him.

He replied, "the guy came in asking for some cough syrup but I've completely run out, so I gave him loads of laxitives."

I said, "WTF, why on earth did you do that."

The chemist replied, "well look at him, he doesn't dare cough any more."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 1:04 am 
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I've just taken part in the blindfolded masturbating world championships.

No idea where I came.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 10:10 am 
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Posts: 346
Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
Banana Man wrote:
I've just taken part in the blindfolded masturbating world championships.

No idea where I came.

:lol: :lol: :thumbup:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 10:13 am 
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Posts: 1297
from a website;


Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 10:25 pm 
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Saw a group of protestors in London earlier. They were chanting:

What do we want!?
A cure for tourettes!
When do we want it!?
C**t!!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2012 12:52 am 
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Paddy was standing at the urinal beside a big black guy.
He noticed the black guy was hung like a stallion.
He asked the guy was there any way he could get one like that.
The black guy said "yeah no problem, just tie a piece of string around it & hang a cement block off it for 4 or 5 hours a day.
Weeks later he met the same black man again & said to him, "thanks for that mate it's working a treat.
Surprised, the black guy said, "are you sure".
Paddy said "yeah, it's turning black already.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 11:13 pm 
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My son said, "Dad, can I start going ballroom dancing?"

I said, "No, it's too dangerous."

He said, "Why is it?"

I said, "Because I'll break your legs, you all hail the mods little puff."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 11:20 pm 
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Image

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MMORPG players are freaks. If I ever have kids, and I catch them doing anything with a computer except for normal stuff like porn and hacking into school to change their grades, I will beat their donkeys like a red headed step child


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2012 4:57 pm 
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Posts: 2953
Location: UK
I just watched a documentary on what holds ships together. It was riveting.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 5:03 pm 
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Posts: 332
j man wrote:
I just watched a documentary on what holds ships together. It was riveting.


:lol: :thumbup:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 5:04 pm 
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I hate being bi-polar. It's brilliant.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:42 pm 
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Benici wrote:
I hate being bi-polar. It's brilliant.

:lol: Love that one!!

I was once given a fantastic piece of advice: when in doubt, flirt.

For years, it got me out of many a tight spot. Then one day I learned three valuable lessons:

1) This policy is not approved of by the mother-in-law.
2) This policy is not approved of by the father-in-law.
3) Amateur castration courtesy of the ex-father-in-law and a bent spoon is not the best way to spend a Saturday night.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 1:05 am 
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Porn has ruined my life.

My boiler has packed up and I'm too scared to call a plumber.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 7:07 am 
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Posts: 557
Location: Pismo Beach, California
A businessman and his needful wife were on vacation in Jamaica.
When he got there he went into a sex shop and asks to see the wares saying
"I have to be away in business meetings for hours and am horribly worried my gal will get bored and stray."
"What do you have that is guaranteed to satisfy, no matter the cost!"
The Jamaican man behind counter looks at him knowingly and says
"I have jus' da ting for you mate, come tek a look"
After going behind the counter and through a door, the clerk pulls out a box and says
"Here be some magic, mun. You say da word an Voodoo Deek, eet flies straight to da target you name or touch, and pound it gud"
After the busnessman asks for a demonstration, the clerk says
"Voodoo Deek, come here", and touches a spot on the door.
Sure enough, it floated up through the air, then proceeded to pound the door on that spot vigorously!
"Enough, enough, I will buy it!" says the businessman "But how does it stop?"
The clerk replied "Jus say Voodoo Deek, Box, an it weel go to da box", and as he said it, it did!
Suffice to say, the businessman bought it, and knew his gal would be the most satisfied of all.
He gave it to her the next morning on his way to a day of seminars, with full instructions on how to use it.
Sure enough, about mid-morning, after her bath, his gal got a hankering and decided to put the magic to the test.
She pulled it out of the box and said "Voodoo Deek, come here", pointing at the spot she wanted.
Sure enough, it went there and immediately started a pounding better than any pounding before.
It was fine until she realized she had forgotten how to stop it!
As she drove to the hospital, swerving all over the road while quivering, she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked what was wrong with her and heard a strange answer, to which he said
"Voodoo Deek, my donkey".

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 3:59 pm 
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Location: Kent
moose22 wrote:
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A lickalotopis

What do you call a gay dinosaur ?
A Megasawass

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 4:10 pm 
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Location: Kent
What do you call a blond with more than one brain cell ?

Pregnant.

PS sorry to all blonds

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 7:40 pm 
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Location: Worthing England.
I was out in the countryside enjoying some magic mushrooms, when some walkers gave me a lecture on the dangers of drugs.

"chocolate fudge cake off", I said, "what do you know, you're just a bag of crisps."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 8:32 pm 
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My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right all hail the mods idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.



Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I realized I was just flogging a dead horse!


I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.

How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house ? Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time

Image

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 3:39 pm 
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Joined: Thu Dec 08, 2011 6:52 pm
Posts: 268
Location: Edinburgh
Here's goes

What do you call a prostitute with no arms and legs?
.
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A cash and carry :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 6:57 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2007 3:41 pm
Posts: 735
Location: Worthing England.
Saorsa wrote:
Here's goes

What do you call a prostitute with no arms and legs?
.
.
.
.
.
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.
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A cash and carry :lol: :lol:
Or a dirty c*nt 8O

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 8:50 am 
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Posts: 660
bouncemaker wrote:
A businessman and his needful wife were on vacation in Jamaica.
When he got there he went into a sex shop and asks to see the wares saying
"I have to be away in business meetings for hours and am horribly worried my gal will get bored and stray."
"What do you have that is guaranteed to satisfy, no matter the cost!"
The Jamaican man behind counter looks at him knowingly and says
"I have jus' da ting for you mate, come tek a look"
After going behind the counter and through a door, the clerk pulls out a box and says
"Here be some magic, mun. You say da word an Voodoo Deek, eet flies straight to da target you name or touch, and pound it gud"
After the busnessman asks for a demonstration, the clerk says
"Voodoo Deek, come here", and touches a spot on the door.
Sure enough, it floated up through the air, then proceeded to pound the door on that spot vigorously!
"Enough, enough, I will buy it!" says the businessman "But how does it stop?"
The clerk replied "Jus say Voodoo Deek, Box, an it weel go to da box", and as he said it, it did!
Suffice to say, the businessman bought it, and knew his gal would be the most satisfied of all.
He gave it to her the next morning on his way to a day of seminars, with full instructions on how to use it.
Sure enough, about mid-morning, after her bath, his gal got a hankering and decided to put the magic to the test.
She pulled it out of the box and said "Voodoo Deek, come here", pointing at the spot she wanted.
Sure enough, it went there and immediately started a pounding better than any pounding before.
It was fine until she realized she had forgotten how to stop it!
As she drove to the hospital, swerving all over the road while quivering, she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked what was wrong with her and heard a strange answer, to which he said
"Voodoo Deek, my donkey".


Wow I heard this one about 15 years ago, or at least a variation of it!!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 9:01 am 
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domdonald wrote:
Wow I heard this one about 15 years ago, or at least a variation of it!!


Yep, it's been around a while. I heard it about that long ago too. Surprised I remembered enough to write it down, lol.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 9:35 am 
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bouncemaker wrote:
domdonald wrote:
Wow I heard this one about 15 years ago, or at least a variation of it!!


Yep, it's been around a while. I heard it about that long ago too. Surprised I remembered enough to write it down, lol.



about the same time you quit your job as a policeman...?

:-P :-P :-P


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 9:42 am 
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vikz22 wrote:
bouncemaker wrote:
domdonald wrote:
Wow I heard this one about 15 years ago, or at least a variation of it!!


Yep, it's been around a while. I heard it about that long ago too. Surprised I remembered enough to write it down, lol.



about the same time you quit your job as a policeman...?

:-P :-P :-P


Lol, what did that mean? Is it a joke, or were you talking to domdonald? Either way, I'm lost, lol.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 10:00 am 
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bouncemaker wrote:
vikz22 wrote:
bouncemaker wrote:
domdonald wrote:
Wow I heard this one about 15 years ago, or at least a variation of it!!


Yep, it's been around a while. I heard it about that long ago too. Surprised I remembered enough to write it down, lol.



about the same time you quit your job as a policeman...?

:-P :-P :-P


Lol, what did that mean? Is it a joke, or were you talking to domdonald? Either way, I'm lost, lol.




it was my poor attempt at banter, aimed at you in relation to the joke, basically i was insinuating that you were the police man that said voodoo deek my donkey,


:)


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 10:37 am 
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vikz22 wrote:
bouncemaker wrote:
vikz22 wrote:
bouncemaker wrote:
domdonald wrote:
Wow I heard this one about 15 years ago, or at least a variation of it!!


Yep, it's been around a while. I heard it about that long ago too. Surprised I remembered enough to write it down, lol.



about the same time you quit your job as a policeman...?

:-P :-P :-P


Lol, what did that mean? Is it a joke, or were you talking to domdonald? Either way, I'm lost, lol.



it was my poor attempt at banter, aimed at you in relation to the joke, basically i was insinuating that you were the police man that said voodoo deek my donkey,

:)

Sorry, I missed it. I'm feeling dense right now, lol. :blush:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 12:16 am 
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Al right, back on track with a few jokes about how to start a fight:

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.......


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 12:56 am 
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:lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 5:40 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 6:28 am 
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dave_the_fish wrote:
What do you call a blond with more than one brain cell ?

Pregnant.

PS sorry to all blonds


Blame it on dave_the_fish, he made me break out the blond jokes. ;)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small Texas town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting; 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. It's because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little fairy cakes head on your knee!"...



And another:

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, " THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, " THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more, " THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

And finally, seven degrees of blond:

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!', and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ..'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do They do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Gotta love them blond jokes!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 11:55 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2012 11:58 pm 
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Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason why men prefer guns over women?

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2012 7:48 am 
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Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week And I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways. Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four singles, ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's fine. E's just gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2012 10:15 am 
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bouncemaker wrote:
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbup:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun May 06, 2012 12:47 pm 
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ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, dating repulsive men, or spending time around children.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay a virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more from her life with him than just intercourse.

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