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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2014 4:43 am 
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You can get anything made in China. Except babies, they're made in Va-China.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2014 8:37 pm 
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what, no Christmas jokes?

Q. Why is Christmas like working for .............. (insert the name of the company you work for here)?
A. We do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 21, 2014 10:20 pm 
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I volunteer at my local theatre, so I thought I'd share my favourite cringey joke from this year's panto:
Dame: we just saw Micheal J. Fox in the garden centre!
Evil Queen:how did you know it was him?
Dame: he had his back to the fuchsias.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 9:16 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and the sleigh was broken. Santa was furious.

"I can’t believe it!" he yells. "I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree!"

I sent that stupid little angel to find one hours ago! What am I going to do?’ Just then, the little angel opens the front door and steps in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. "Oi fatty!" she says. "Where d’you want me to stick this?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 9:21 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
PUPIL – “Would you punish me for something I didn't do?”
TEACHER – “Of course not.”
PUPIL – “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 11:14 pm 
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moose22 wrote:
PUPIL – “Would you punish me for something I didn't do?”
TEACHER – “Of course not.”
PUPIL – “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”


That is a great gag.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 24, 2014 8:51 am 
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moose22 wrote:
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and the sleigh was broken. Santa was furious.

"I can’t believe it!" he yells. "I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree!"

I sent that stupid little angel to find one hours ago! What am I going to do?’ Just then, the little angel opens the front door and steps in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. "Oi fatty!" she says. "Where d’you want me to stick this?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2014 11:27 pm 
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Here’s some cringe-worthy jokes that will have you chuckling to yourself this Christmas season.



Q: What's the most popular Christmas wine?
A: 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

Got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas.
Not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.

Q: What is King Wenceslas's favourite pizza?
A: One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Patient: Doctor, Doctor I'm scared of Santa
Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.

I got these in Christmas crackers today.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 26, 2014 11:02 am 
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ob1kenobi.23 wrote:
Got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas.
Not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.

:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 26, 2014 5:06 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
Apparently Boxing Day is the busiest day of the year for online dating sites.

Coincidentally, in our kitchen we also start sniffing around for leftover meat...

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 28, 2014 2:05 am 
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How do you get a small fortune from motor racing?
You start with a large one.


My wife was outside gardening using an old dirty hoe,
I should really get her some gardening tools.


My daughters school uniform is quite slutty,
but thats one advantage of home schooling.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 28, 2014 11:18 am 
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Why did Mike Tyson think?

Because he couldn't thwim


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 28, 2014 7:39 pm 
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Black_Flag_11 wrote:
Why did Mike Tyson think?

Because he couldn't thwim

:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 30, 2014 11:08 pm 
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At a retirement home, Bob and Doris have been seen courting for some time. One day, however, Bob drops a bombshell:
- Doris, I'm afraid that I will no longer be walking out with you.
- Oh, heavens Bob... why ever not?
- I have started seeing Joyce from down the corridor.
- ... but why are you seeing Joyce? Am I no longer enough for you?
- Well... Joyce holds my willy.
- I hold your willy too! What does Joyce have that I don't?
- ... Parkinsons.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 31, 2014 11:01 am 
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tootsie323 wrote:
At a retirement home, Bob and Doris have been seen courting for some time. One day, however, Bob drops a bombshell:
- Doris, I'm afraid that I will no longer be walking out with you.
- Oh, heavens Bob... why ever not?
- I have started seeing Joyce from down the corridor.
- ... but why are you seeing Joyce? Am I no longer enough for you?
- Well... Joyce holds my willy.
- I hold your willy too! What does Joyce have that I don't?
- ... Parkinsons.



They are basing a relationship on a shaky start there.

The wife went for one of these Christmas dips for charity. (She is getting on a bit now.)

I said "how far did you go in?"

She said only up to my Boobs at first, it was cold. Once I was used to it then I went up to my waste.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 12:16 am 
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A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly f@rts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘What is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers, 'Madam – if you f@rted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!'


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 12:20 am 
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:lol: Great joke and brilliantly written/copied!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2015 1:45 pm 
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A dyslexic paedophile has been arrested for trying to have sex with a miner.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2015 8:23 am 
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2015 9:12 am 
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In a monastery, the monks were praying together. Suddenly an angel appears in front of the eldest monk and tells him:

"For all your life you have been an example for everyone, lived your life serving God and never did anything to harm the others. God has asked me to grand you one of the following wishes: unlimited riches, unlimited wisdom or a place in Paradise".

Without a second thought the elder thanks the angel and chooses eternal wisdom.

There is a moment of silence as the elder monk is in deep thought in his new found wisdom. The rest of them are waiting for him to say something to them.

Finally, one of the younger monks mumbles:

"So, tell us, tell us something..."

The elder monk opens his eyes and replies:


"Should have taken the f*cking money........!!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 31, 2015 5:04 am 
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:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2015 2:50 am 
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Two nuns were driving down an old unused road when a demon swoops down and lands on the bonnet of their car. The demon with dark evil eyes starts screeching and smashing the bonnet of the car while spraying foam from its mouth. One of the nuns while panicked says to the other "Quickly, show it your cross!",
"Good idea!!" says the other nun, so she rolls down the window leans out and starts waving her fist and screams
"GET OFF THE F#%KING BONNET YOU #@$&%#*#%@&@!#$*@!$#!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2015 12:12 pm 
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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 19, 2015 12:31 pm 
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Excellent joke DrG. I gave a wee giggle.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 04, 2015 12:58 pm 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
A minister was completing a temperance sermon and with great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said,

'And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,

'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down...

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365,

'Shall We Gather at the River.'

PS: See you at the river! Bring your own glass!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 18, 2015 11:16 am 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself Whap! against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my @rse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2015 1:01 am 
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Two guys in their mid-twenties were sitting at the bar. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired." His buddy says: "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A middle-aged man, sitting a couple of stools down, overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that sh!te."


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2015 6:23 am 
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A bartender is practicing making drinks when his cat jumps up on the table. Wanting to practice his service skills he leans over to the cat and says
"What can I get you good sir?"
The cat looks up and replies,
"Give me your most extravagant drink"
The bartender was shocked with the cats response, but saw this as a good opportunity to practice. So after 5 minuets of toiling over the hardest drink he knew how to make he places the glass on the table and presents it to the cat.
"There you are sir our most extravagant drink, enjoy!"
The cat looks at the glass then pushes it off the table which then smashes on the ground, the cat then looks up at the bartender and says
"Another"

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Best Round Result: 1st (Monaco '12 & '15, Silverstone '14, Austria '15, Mexico '15, China '16)
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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2015 7:10 pm 
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specdecible wrote:
A bartender is practicing making drinks when his cat jumps up on the table. Wanting to practice his service skills he leans over to the cat and says
"What can I get you good sir?"
The cat looks up and replies,
"Give me your most extravagant drink"
The bartender was shocked with the cats response, but saw this as a good opportunity to practice. So after 5 minuets of toiling over the hardest drink he knew how to make he places the glass on the table and presents it to the cat.
"There you are sir our most extravagant drink, enjoy!"
The cat looks at the glass then pushes it off the table which then smashes on the ground, the cat then looks up at the bartender and says
"Another"


I admit, I'm nearly asleep on my feet here (well, my pickle since I'm sitting down) but I have completely missed the punchline there.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2015 8:00 pm 
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mac_d wrote:
specdecible wrote:
A bartender is practicing making drinks when his cat jumps up on the table. Wanting to practice his service skills he leans over to the cat and says
"What can I get you good sir?"
The cat looks up and replies,
"Give me your most extravagant drink"
The bartender was shocked with the cats response, but saw this as a good opportunity to practice. So after 5 minuets of toiling over the hardest drink he knew how to make he places the glass on the table and presents it to the cat.
"There you are sir our most extravagant drink, enjoy!"
The cat looks at the glass then pushes it off the table which then smashes on the ground, the cat then looks up at the bartender and says
"Another"


I admit, I'm nearly asleep on my feet here (well, my pickle since I'm sitting down) but I have completely missed the punchline there.


Cats push stuff over the edge of the table usually.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2015 10:38 pm 
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f1madman wrote:
mac_d wrote:
specdecible wrote:
A bartender is practicing making drinks when his cat jumps up on the table. Wanting to practice his service skills he leans over to the cat and says
"What can I get you good sir?"
The cat looks up and replies,
"Give me your most extravagant drink"
The bartender was shocked with the cats response, but saw this as a good opportunity to practice. So after 5 minuets of toiling over the hardest drink he knew how to make he places the glass on the table and presents it to the cat.
"There you are sir our most extravagant drink, enjoy!"
The cat looks at the glass then pushes it off the table which then smashes on the ground, the cat then looks up at the bartender and says
"Another"


I admit, I'm nearly asleep on my feet here (well, my pickle since I'm sitting down) but I have completely missed the punchline there.


Cats push stuff over the edge of the table usually.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UoUEQYjYgf4


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 01, 2015 8:16 am 
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I still don't get why it's funny... :blush:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 01, 2015 4:36 pm 
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mac_d wrote:
I still don't get why it's funny... :blush:

I'm with you there. I guessed that was the punch line, but thought I must've missed something cause it really wasn't funny! Guess it's funnier if you've got a cat that does that?

Anyway, a Roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up at the barman and says '5 beers please'

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 01, 2015 5:22 pm 
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minchy wrote:
mac_d wrote:
I still don't get why it's funny... :blush:

I'm with you there. I guessed that was the punch line, but thought I must've missed something cause it really wasn't funny! Guess it's funnier if you've got a cat that does that?

Anyway, a Roman walks into a bar, sticks 2 fingers up at the barman and says '5 beers please'



Think you have to be a "cat person" to understand it.

My brother is one and does, I hate them and do not.

PS

Mind, him and his missis trip ou t over anything to do with cats, even crapping in his slipper was "cute and clever".


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2015 2:51 pm 
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Well, points for keeping it contained at least. A slipper is easy to replace, a carpet is not.

I do sympathise, though. We're still trying to housetrain Mod Grey.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2015 5:42 pm 
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In a moment of cosmic coincidence this just appeared in my Twitter feed:

https://twitter.com/Oatmeal/status/584047712544260096


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2015 7:46 pm 
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 04, 2015 4:18 am 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some @r$ehole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No sh1t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 10:24 am 
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Lamborghini issued a recall to all the Gallardo models due to an engine fault. Thank God I went for that used Cinquecento instead, I would be in trouble now...


I asked 100 women what shampoo do they use while they shower. 98 answered "how did you get in here?"


I remember the days when with just £2 you could buy a pack of 5 chocolates, 3 croissants, 3 packs of crisps, a magazine, some chewing gums and a lighter. Now they've installed cameras...


Guy at the pharmacy:
- Two packs of condoms please
- Here you are. Do you need a bag?
- Nah, she's good looking


Little kid goes to his dad with a piece of paper:
- Dad, what is 69?
Dad without looking:
- It's a sexual position where two adults perform oral sex on each other at the same time
- Sooooo, do I put "odd" or "even"?


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 10:48 am 
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Woman goes to a Mid east country and is disgusted that the women have to walk 10 feet behind the men.

She gets a group of them together and urges them to make things change when she goes home.

A couple of years later, she returned and recognized one of the women she had "liberated" last time and now she was walking with the other women infront of the men.

When she saw her later she asked how much trouble she had instigating this.


The reply was none at all since the mines were laid.




(Bad taste I know. but anything to highlight the plight of some women)


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