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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 15, 2015 11:00 am 
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The inventor of the speed boat passed away yesterday. His funeral will be held a week on Saturday, followed by the wake.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2015 8:15 pm 
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A good looking bloke with a massive big toe and a tiny penis pulls this gorgeous bird and takes her back to his flat. After a few wines he gets her into bed, turns the light off and they both undress. Justifiably worried his tiny old boy may leave the lady disappointed, he manoeuvres himself round in the darkness and gives her the sh*gging of her life with his gigantic big toe.
A couple of days later he notices his toe is red and itchy. The problem worsens over the following week until the toe is covered in weeping scabby sores and feels like it's on fire. No amount of scrubbing and cream application will improve the problem and eventually he goes to see his GP.
The doc takes a brief look at the toe, nods wisely, and says "I'm afraid you've got a bad case of VD of the toe sir. It's an unusual condition I know, but you'd be surprised at some of the ailments I've diagnosed in my time. Only this morning I had a bird in here with athlete's vag."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 20, 2015 8:04 am 
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Before the Easter break I set a target to lose 5 kilos by June. I only have 10 kilos left to go!

- Hey baby, coming around yours tonight with some wine...
- Oh brilliant, bring some chocolates and pop-corn to watch a movie, my period started yesterday
- I meant I'll be gone for a week on a business trip, bloody autocorrect


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 20, 2015 8:29 am 
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SchumieRules wrote:
Before the Easter break I set a target to lose 5 kilos by June. I only have 10 kilos left to go!

- Hey baby, coming around yours tonight with some wine...
- Oh brilliant, bring some chocolates and pop-corn to watch a movie, my period started yesterday
- I meant I'll be gone for a week on a business trip, bloody autocorrect



(Auto correct and business trip)

A guy had been tapping a neighbors Internet since he installed a high power wireless modem, and was feeling guilty about it, so decided to cough up. He thought maybe he would be allowed to pay towards his neighbors isp provider as he had a data allowance on his phone which did most of what he wanted, but not the heavy stuff. Why go to the expense of having a land line installed etc.
He did not know how the owner would take it, so decided to do the admission via Text, just in case.


Text sent.

Hi John. Been feeling guilty for some time, so it is time for me to fess up.
Most of the time you have been living next door to me, I have been using your WIFE.

Not heavily, but several times a week, especially on Sundays. You spend most of the time on the golf course then, so it is laying there unused anyway, which is a waste.

I am putting little actual wear on it, and I know you are a heavy user and sometimes give it a real slamming.
I was wondering if you would let me continue to use it from time to time if I made a financial contribution or bought you a couple of bottles of wine now and again?

Being practical about this, you get very little use most of the week, and I manage with my hand held for most needs, but some times it is just not up to the sort of dump I need.

I will come around this evening to discuss compensation or discontinuation.
You friend and neighbor Brian


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 9:03 am 
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(Dad): Say Daddy
(Baby): Mama
(Dad): Say Daddy
(Baby): Mama
(Dad): Oh come on, say Daddy
(Baby): Mama
(Dad): Oh F*ck off...

(Mom): Hi honey, I'm home. Where's my beautiful baby?
(Baby): F*ck off
(Mom): WHAT? Who taught you that?
(Baby): Dada

Guess who's in trouble...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 9:06 am 
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SchumieRules wrote:
(Dad): Say Daddy
(Baby): Mama
(Dad): Say Daddy
(Baby): Mama
(Dad): Oh come on, say Daddy
(Baby): Mama
(Dad): Oh F*ck off...

(Mom): Hi honey, I'm home. Where's my beautiful baby?
(Baby): F*ck off
(Mom): WHAT? Who taught you that?
(Baby): Dada

Guess who's in trouble...



That is so typical :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 9:26 am 
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I bet it's happened before!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 4:46 am 
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How was Rome cut in half?

By a pair of Caesars

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 11:29 am 
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Image

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 4:29 pm 
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The above reminds me of a very, very, early tutor program for CPM (predecessor of Dos)

After 10 min typing and 10 min correcting you got-

Hello. what is your name

>

Hello Name$

How many legs has a horse?

>

No, 6

forelegs in front and two behind.


That would get you the equivalent of an NVQ

not a joke, its true


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 4:39 pm 
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Each year, the Darwin awards are issued. As you may know, Darwin championed the survival of the fittest theory.
If your genes are fit for an environment, you thrive, otherwise you die out.

The awards are for those who remove themselves from the gene pool in such away as to improve the breed.


this years are here


http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2014.html


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 10:24 pm 
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Oh my dear god...that first one... :lol:
that second one is definatly summed up by 'here, hold my beer'
the fourth one...oh my... *facepalms*
...i think these are all well deserving of darwin awards...
...this world has too much stupid...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 11:04 pm 
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moby wrote:
Each year, the Darwin awards are issued. As you may know, Darwin championed the survival of the fittest theory.
If your genes are fit for an environment, you thrive, otherwise you die out.

The awards are for those who remove themselves from the gene pool in such away as to improve the breed.


this years are here


http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2014.html

You mean to say PF1 ISN'T the home of some of the biggest idiots around?

[Present company and many others exempted from my prior judgement, obviously :p ]

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 8:24 am 
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P-F1 Mod wrote:
moby wrote:
Each year, the Darwin awards are issued. As you may know, Darwin championed the survival of the fittest theory.
If your genes are fit for an environment, you thrive, otherwise you die out.

The awards are for those who remove themselves from the gene pool in such away as to improve the breed.


this years are here


http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2014.html

You mean to say PF1 ISN'T the home of some of the biggest idiots around?

[Present company and many others exempted from my prior judgement, obviously :p ]




They are not mutually exclusive though. :]


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 8:30 am 
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My long time favorite, from one of the very early awards is a man was hunting moose. He tracked a huge animal until it came to a steep cliff, than lost it. he sat at the foot of the cliff to have his snack, and looked up and saw it on a ledge above him.

In excitement, he grabbed his gun, decided he could get a shot if he lay on his back, and killed it with a clean shot.




Yip. a 900lb spikey thing accelerating at 32ft/s/2 and him laying on his back directly below it.

Removed from the gene pool.



I also quite like-

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet decided to send out a letter bomb in 2000. Not being the brightest of sparks he forgot to put enough postage stamps on the letter, meaning it came back to the ‘return to sender’ address. Khay was so happy to receive some post that he ripped it open. His career in terrorism ended there.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 5:47 pm 
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moby wrote:
P-F1 Mod wrote:
moby wrote:
Each year, the Darwin awards are issued. As you may know, Darwin championed the survival of the fittest theory.
If your genes are fit for an environment, you thrive, otherwise you die out.

The awards are for those who remove themselves from the gene pool in such away as to improve the breed.


this years are here


http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2014.html

You mean to say PF1 ISN'T the home of some of the biggest idiots around?

[Present company and many others exempted from my prior judgement, obviously :p ]




They are not mutually exclusive though. :]

No comment ;)

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AlienTurnedHuman wrote:
Eurytus probably thought he was God. At least until he was banned. Which means if he was God, it makes me very scared of PF1-Mod.

Yes, we have a swear filter now. No, it doesn't change coffin to 'place of rest'.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 12:44 pm 
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According to latest studies, both men and women use tissues for their favourite movies!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 12:55 pm 
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A guy decides to become a lumberjack so he goes to a shop to buy a chainsaw. The salesman gives him one that says that can cut up to 10 per hour. The guy buys it and happily goes away.

The next day he comes back demanding his money back. The salesman asks him why?

- I can't cut more than 3 per day, let alone 10 per hour.
- Ok sir, let me see if there's something wrong with the chainsaw.

They go at the back where the salesman starts it up and proceeds to cut a tree without any problem.

The guy looking with awe says:

- Woah... Can you show me the trick with the little cord again?


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 6:04 pm 
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If you hold a mothball in your right hand and another mothball in your left hand and your hands are six inches apart, what do you have?


A very big moth!

Yes, I know but it's a slow Friday afternoon.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 29, 2015 9:59 pm 
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dizlexik wrote:
Image


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Why do computer scientists confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because oct31=dec25


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2015 2:39 pm 
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ManojHS wrote:
dizlexik wrote:
Image


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Why do computer scientists confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because oct31=dec25


0 i c. good int it


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2015 2:47 pm 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of Youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began.'

Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2015 8:36 am 
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Guy: Hi baby, are you still mad at me?
Girl: ...user typing
...user typing
...user typing
...user typing
...user typing
...user typing
Girl: No


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2015 9:13 am 
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SchumieRules wrote:
Guy: Hi baby, are you still mad at me?
Girl: ...user typing
...user typing
...user typing
...user typing
...user typing
...user typing
Girl: No

:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2015 12:27 pm 
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LOOK at the tits on this!!!!




















Image

[Source: http://www.legsmaniac.org.uk/share/albu ... /naked.gif ]


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2015 4:22 pm 
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I'm at the internet cafe and and there's this huge b@stard next to me that I think reads every sentence that I'm writ....;l'jasdmv/ vssssssfjgsdfnsdfng/snfdngfmgnfmngfnmgfngf


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2015 12:18 pm 
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50 year old man: Father, forgive me, I have sinned. I had sex all night with a 20 year old girl
Priest: You shall take 5 lemons, squeeze them in a cup and drink it straight
Man: Ok. Does this mean I am forgiven?
Priest: No, but it will wipe that stupid smile off your face!!!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 18, 2015 12:13 pm 
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I’d tell you a UDP joke, but I’m not sure you’d get it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2015 8:36 am 
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- Hello, A&E?
- Yes sir, what seems to be the problem?
- My girlfriend swallowed the condom, I don't know what to do. Oooooh, wait a minute, it's ok. I found another one


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2015 8:57 pm 
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A threesome is sex involving 3 people
A twosome involves 2 people

I guess this explains why people call me handsome.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2015 9:58 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
A threesome is sex involving 3 people
A twosome involves 2 people

I guess this explains why people call me handsome.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 28, 2015 8:20 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
A threesome is sex involving 3 people
A twosome involves 2 people

I guess this explains why people call me handsome.

Thanks for sharing, I just made my friend choke on his coffee texting him that!
:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 13, 2015 6:30 am 
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My wife went with her friends to see 50 Shades of Grey. I went to bed at 11pm. She came home walked into the bedroom with a leather strap in one hand and a chain in the other. I thought, "This looks interesting." She said "Here, you forgot to walk the bloody dogs!!!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 14, 2015 4:58 pm 
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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I feel like a deck of cards!"
The doctor replies, "yes, I'm afraid you have herpes."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 11:24 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I feel like a deck of cards!"
The doctor replies, "yes, I'm afraid you have herpes."


:blush: Think I need someone to explain this one to me. Unless it's like that cat joke from last time and I need herpes to get this joke... :-P


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 1:38 pm 
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mac_d wrote:
Banana Man wrote:
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I feel like a deck of cards!"
The doctor replies, "yes, I'm afraid you have herpes."


:blush: Think I need someone to explain this one to me. Unless it's like that cat joke from last time and I need herpes to get this joke... :-P


I don't get it either...


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2015 3:19 pm 
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SchumieRules wrote:
mac_d wrote:
Banana Man wrote:
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I feel like a deck of cards!"
The doctor replies, "yes, I'm afraid you have herpes."


:blush: Think I need someone to explain this one to me. Unless it's like that cat joke from last time and I need herpes to get this joke... :-P


I don't get it either...

I'm glad it's not just me.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2015 11:09 pm 
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It's an anti-joke. The usual punchline is, "sit down and I'll deal with you in a minute."

I know many people don't find anti-humour amusing but I thought it'd give it a go.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2015 8:03 am 
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Banana Man wrote:
It's an anti-joke. The usual punchline is, "sit down and I'll deal with you in a minute."

I know many people don't find anti-humour amusing but I thought it'd give it a go.

Ah, this makes sense.

I know a couple, but not sure if people would like them


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2015 11:24 am 
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After the three of us said we didn't get it, I assumed it was some kind of meta-humour.

Unfortunately, I didn't know of the base joke, so the subversion was lost on me. However, had I gotten the base joke to understand this, I'd probably have found it funny.


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