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I was just watching a show on TV where one half of a couple had problems about the other half talking about their ex. I also recently read an article where apparently the rules of friendship say that you can’t go out with your friend’s ex-girlfriend/boyfriend etc. It got me thinking.

I grew up on a farm just outside of a small country town &, to be quite honest, if you didn’t go out with a friend’s ex-boyfriend, you didn’t date. There were only so many people to go out with. In fact, my best friend, who is also my oldest friend, is married to my first boyfriend & we don’t find that strange or feel awkward when we are together. If anything, we all feel really relaxed with each other because we have known each other all our lives.

My husband & I got together when I was in my early 30’s & my husband in his early 40’s & we became friends before we became involved romantically. He & I have never had a problem about talking about ex’s as we have always figured that what happened before we met each other actually helped, in some way, to make us who we were & we have always been secure in who we are & our commitment to each other &/or trust in each other to discuss anything.

So, how do others here feel about or deal with their partner talking about their ex’s?

I dislike it.

I've done it. The thing is, if you have been close to someone and the breakup wasn't hideous, then you remain with a bond to them. So I can fully understand and empathise why talking to an ex is not that ridiculous a thing to do. Plus, if you need relationship advice they can be handy. If youa re swimming pool the current partner off, maybe worth seeing what you did to gherkin the previous one off.

But there is always a fear of falling back in to bed with them. As I said, you have a close bond with them, and since you've probably done the naughty before it always seems more likely to happen again. I think this and the combination of if you loved them once, you can love them again probably give the partner a lot of fear. After all, they don't want to lose you.




And for the record, I'd never touch someone that went out with my friends. Firstly out of principle, secondly out of the comparison thing, thirdly I find most of my firends girlfriends annoying as ****.

Ex's are ex's for a reason (in most cases)...

Nothing much I can say about them. No one would like to hear about the other's ex, you'd fall into the inevitable comparison game.

I think its a case by case basis, some people find it good to talk about them, others do not like it one bit. Sometimes it can be useful to have it as a sort of hint to the other half I have found, like 'oh the ex use to do that I hated it' when something happens you are annoyed about, of course doesn't always work!

It really depends on your personal experiences with Ex's if you were the one that was dumped or ditched I would think you would hate to talk about it more than those that were the ones that did the hurting or breaking up, it really depends on what happened in the relationship itself, particularly what made them an ex in the first place,a nd how you view them, sometimes we can look at it as a mistake we learned from, this can be useful.

I can see both sides to this!

as I said it depends on how they became and ex, and each others own experiences of their ex's and of course also the topic of the conversation itself

Do you think this is a male thing cause, even though I have remained friends with my ex's, I would never ever think of discussing my then or now current relationship with them. The two are totally separate whether it is thru time or age etc.

As for never touching someone that went out with one of your friends, you have obviously never lived in a small town/village because you would end up only going out with one person. And that one person probably went out, before you, with some one you were friendly with. Just saying.... It's just the way it goes & it does make you look at things slightly differently. In my small home town my second serious boyfriend is now the head mechanic for my eldest brother at his garage. Unless I never go to my brother's garage when I go up home it would be a little hard to not run across him. It's not something that my husband & I am uncomfortable about after all our relationship was over 30 years ago & it really has nothing to do with our relationship now plus, as my husband says, the fact that he is a really nice guy only goes to show that I have always had good taste

Preferably with a shot gun.

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Disclaimer: The above post maybe tongue in cheek.

"I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."

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"You are the universe expressing itself as a Human for a little while..."

Several ex-girlfriends are still on my Facebook friends list. We enjoyed each others company when we were together and get along now. My ex-wife is not on my Facebook friends list. We have always been civil and respectful of each other and never say bad things about each other to our daughter, or where she will hear about it. That said, I prefer to deal with my ex as little as possible.

I grew up in a smaller town and understand how the rules about dating exes are different depending upon how populous an area is. How people deal with their exes can also depend upon how the relationship ended, and upon the maturity and/or level of craziness of one or both of the participants. The 'right' way to deal with an ex is as unique and different as every relationship.

DrG, I don't live in a small town, no. And incase my original statement came off in a way that appeared attacking or derogatory to you, that was not my intention. I wouldn't judge someone badly for going out with a mate's ex as such, but I would find it odd. Mayeb it's a guy thing, but I wouldn't want my willy being compared to my mates... Maybe it's cause I have a small willy...

My first girlfriend is my best friend, and we've been, shall we say, intimate on multiple occassions since we broke up (We broke up about 6 or 7 years ago... still in high school actually). It's not a frequent thing, but needless to say, after a few drinks on a quiet night in sometimes stuff happens. I know her current boyfriend does not like us spending time together alone. While, as point of principle, I wouldn't do anything naughty out of respect to him, I can totally see his point. We illustrate the above point I made. I doubt she would ever hit on me either in her current status, but I do see the fear.

You know, I've never really had a bad break up. I've had two serious relationships, and one was in High School which doesn't really count. The other was depressing but was on the cards for a while, and was a work thing. I accepted the reasons as logical for leaving, and had been told about it very early that it was a possibility. I missed her for a bit, and we spoke often, then as time goes by you wait a while longer before emailing or skype-ing then longer again the next time until you are so distant they are just another of the 7 billion.

I thought this was gonna be a thread about dealing with your ex, not dealing with your current partner about your exes.

I'm unfortunately in the thick of dealing with my very recent ex

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I've remained civil with my exes... in fact, my most recent ex is now married to my best friend [and I was their maid of honour ]

It may be because I've a) only had 2 boyfriends and b) my relationships split up mostly because my working stupid hours abroad meant we didn't really see each other, and not because of a massive fall out.

I have now been single for 5 years however [and I ain't 24 yet!], and that looks unlikely to change anytime soon. I do feel a degree of jealously when all my friends/sisters are engaged and settling down and I'm sat here with a coffee on my own whining about my life online....
... oh god, I've turned into one of those facebook idiots, shoot me now

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I have mine and a number of her mates totally blocked from Facebook and the like.

She was that nutty she was sending my current Mrs emails from a "Anonymous" email address. Things like ANon1969@.... . we cottoned on she must have been getting the info from social media. We had our stuff private so it must have been a "Friend" . So we had some fun with false info whilst a mate tracked down the IP numbers, hacked a few accounts and watched messages getting passed back and forth so we could see who was passing the info. One of the best was when she was told I wasn't going to work I was a way doing some other girl. Problem was the doctor had put me on the sick, I had just been fired too so in reality was lying on the Sofa playing the PS3 all day

Before that after spreading a load of BS about me she actually had the gall to send me a text on my birthday to see if I knew anyone who could fix her car after it had been dinged. So I got the info off her about what happened then went Ha Ha and told her to chocolate fudge cake off

It's amazing how she can tell everyone I was doing the dirt behind her back but somehow forgets to tell them she was doing the same

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Disclaimer: The above post maybe tongue in cheek.

"I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."

I'm still friend with sister of one of my exs, but we don't talk about the ex and I never see them together. I'm not really close to any other exes, I don't meet their friends.

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eeee

I've got this annoying habit of not having messy break-ups. There's a grand total of three exes I never speak to.

One spontaneously stopped talking to me about 6 months ago and never actually told me in so many words that we were over, just ignored every attempt I made to contact her. After about a fortnight I figured it was over and gave up trying. She never corrected me, and that was that. One accused me of sleeping with her best friend - at the time my brother's girlfriend - and refused to see why I was tiddled off with her. The only girl I actively ignore no matter what she tries. The third died back in 2009, so doesn't really count.

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Aha,

Get back on them through nailing the sister! Brilliant plan!!!

I think it was Frank Skinner who said 'you can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.'

He's never been in a dressing room at the gym/school then? He wouldn't be talking to half his mates then

Should I stop talking to myself then? I've seen my genitals, does this mean I can't be my friend anymore?

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"You are the universe expressing itself as a Human for a little while..."

Well, now I realise why the rest of the footie team at Uni wanted to shag one another!

This is not it...

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eeee

Do I believe you or not?

Hahahha

Guys, you are killing me . Interesting answers though. What's coming thru quite clearly is that ex-girlfriends/wives can be really bitchy &/or go out of their way to make trouble after the relationship is over. Maybe that's why I have mainly male friends & a very select group of female friends.

Even though my husband has never had a problem with my ex's, I can't say the same for his, especially his ex-wife. They were divorced a long time before I met him & she went back to the USA. Being Catholic, she wanted the marriage annuled so that, if she ever wanted to get married again, she could do so in the Catholic Church. He says that he suddenly received a questionnaire in the mail & that the questions they asked, especially about their sex life, was just unbelievable. Needless to say, he sent the questionnaire back with a great big "Get turnipped" scrawled across the front of it. He thinks that he was probably ex-communicated right after that . Anyway, she got her annulment, did remarry in the Church & had a couple of kids. About 14 years later & about 7 years after my husband & I got married, he suddenly got a phone call from her while I was at work. She was once again divorced, with two kids & suddenly thought that her ex-husband wasn't so bad after all. The phone call didn't really worry me cause I am not that insecure. What did gherkin me off was when my husband told me that when she said that she would phone again & he told her that he didn't want her to plus that he didn't think I would like it, she suggested that she could phone him when I was at work so that I wouldn't know. Really!!! Talk about mischief making. Needless to say, he phoned his mother, who had given his ex his phone number, & told her that, not only had she been out of line with doing so, but that if he ever heard from his ex again she would be the one that suffered the consequences. There was not a second call.....

We laugh about it now but I really do not understand anyone trying to cause problems for their ex's after the relationship is over. It's just not something I have ever thought of doing

I like your hubby.

High five him from me please!

Will do &, thank you. I like him too, even after 25 years

Well I've disobeyed the rule about going out with your friends girl.
In fact she sort of dumped him to go with me. At the time it was really weird cos I felt like I'd really hurt him, but I was also so happy to be finally with this girl.
In the end I was doing him a service as it turned out he was gay.

The girl and I seperated about a year later.
We did some soul searching and sorted some stuff out and then a few years after that we got married!
So my attitude towards my ex is fantastic cos shes my wife!

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+1!

I should add that even though I prefer not to have much contact with my ex-wife, it has never been a difficult divorce. Her parents couldn't be very upset with me, because they are both much happier in their second marriages than they were when married to each other. In fact, I still get on quite well with my ex's whole family. This is especially true after her second husband got arrested for embezzlement. I, on the other hand, never missed a child support payment and, when our daughter turned 18, started sending those payments directly to our daughter to pay for college.

If she graduates on schedule next year, my income goes up enough to afford travel to Silverstone or Spa for a Formula 1 vacation on of these years.

I realise I am out of step with the rest of the world, but anyone who appears on one of these shows deserves anything they get. In general they are the dregs of humanity, not the norm.

I have many ex-whatever and they are all my friends and know they can call on me in a need and I feel I can do the same with most of them.

I have friends who parted on bad terms, it happens. Just because you are in that position is a poor reason indeed to appear on this sort of a show. In life, little is irreparable if a little thought is involved at any point of the slippery slope.

We as humans seem to be drawn to the lowest level for our entertainment, but PLEASE dont run your life based on this crap. I have little doubt that the reality, even of those featured , is not as bad as it is presented 'for the sake of viewer entertainment'.

+2. That's what I am talking about. If you had totally obeyed "the rules" you wouldn't be married now to your beautiful wife. How sad would that be. It is obvious that you & your wife have a lot of empathy/scruples by the very fact that you say that you both did a lot of soul searching & sorted stuff out. At the back of my mind I have always wondered whether people miss connecting with the person that is perfect for them simply because "the rules" say they shouldn't get together

Ex's (under normal circumstances) are no problem to your current relationship so long as you hate/dislike them, as then your partner doesn't see them as a threat and any comparisons come out on the plus for them.

If you're friends with ex's then it's definitely dodgy territory. My attitude towards it is that their feelings dictate the boundaries of your friendship with ex's. If they feel threatened by how friendly you are with them, don't like how you discuss them.. whatever it is, then their feelings win every time and to hell with your own. If you can't do that for your partner, then you probably don't love them enough. (so long as their feelings are somewhere on planet earth and not in bunny boiler land)

I've gotten it right a few times and wrong on others but make it crystal clear to your current partner that whatever they feel comfortable with is how you'll conduct yourself in dealing with/talking about your ex's.. at least that's my motto and it has pretty much worked so far. Plus if that is your attitude then they'll probably feel a lot more secure with you anyway which always makes life easier.

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Always finish what you

I think the answer to this depends on whether you are male or female.

In one previous relationship I had which lasted a couple of years, my partner had about six ex's and she used to mention most of them fairly frequently, and I have to say I eventually became quite tired of the comparisons being drawn. I didn't talk about mine, because I've always found that women tend to wonder if you have a hidden desire to go back to an old ex, and other similar undercurrents. In another relationship I had, we bumped into one of my ex's by chance. I didn't hide the history of who she was, but over a period of weeks I discovered that she wanted to know every detail of that previous relationship, to the point that it became a factor in our eventual breakup.

It depends on the circumstances.

After breaking up with my husband of many years, I wanted him to *inaudible* off and leave me alone after letting me down so badly - he, on the other hand, wanted me to remain close and be his friend .

Did he, does he, interfere with any new relationships you strike up?

I've kept in touch with most of my ex's, but except in a couple of cases I wouldn't say we are close friends.

I get on reasonably well with my ex's, there are only 2 that i try not to communicate with; one due to a bad break up and the other due to being used and i'm still a bit sore about it...b1tch
I think it depends on how close you want to be with them. After most of my breakups I would tend to ignore them but after a while if they started a conversation I would talk back just out of politeness, I'm not best friends with most of them but I am still fairly close to a couple and we have laughed off what happened between us in the past. Funny thing is most of them are now in committed relationships and i'm still single think i need to change my approach

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Unfortunately he died a couple of years after we seperated. I hid my personal life from him as he no longer had any right to know about my life.

Similar for me. I'm not bitter though. I just accept things for what they are. You can't change how other people are, only adapt to them. There are so many conflicting requirements in relationships that you learn about all the time, and gender conflicts are very real. It's easy to become cynical.

Oh dear! Sorry to hear that.

Unless it was some kind of sudden accident, I suppose that must have softened the blow of him checking out early.

Well i'm getting there and you do have a point, I think the fact that I haven't been with anyone since hasn't helped, though not for a lack of trying it has to be said.

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F1 fan since 97...
Kimi Raikkonen
Fernando Alonso
Lewis Hamilton
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Interestingly, I have just contacted my ex-wife (literally, yesterday) for the first time after nearly 20 years of being divorced. I have some things which belonged to her (quite valuable things) and I have been trying to find a way to get them back to her after they turned up in a box of stuff that had been in storage. She got back to me today and her response was quite pleasant but very pragmatic (as I'd have expected).

I don't want to have any further contact with her. Her life looks good and we're both doing fine without each other.