planetf1.com

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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Everyday you know more.

Want to hear a Potassium joke?

K

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Everyday you know more.

Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.




That's enough

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Everyday you know more.

My girlfriend told me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe...

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I remember when this website was all fields.

My neighbour came and knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that? 2:30! What kind of person goes around knocking on doors at that time of night?

Luckily for him I was up playing my drums.

A major redesign and reprint of Euros has been announced in Brussels. All future Euro notes will be printed on Greece proof paper.

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Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

Want to hear a Sodium joke?

Na.

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK.

And one of my fav Chemistry jokes:

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" — and he died.

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The two most powerful warriors are patience and time…so remember: great achievements take time, there is no overnight success.

I work in a chemistry lab, so I've heard pretty much all of them before. I do like this one rather a lot though.

I think this one might have been in the thread before, but I always liked it.

Argon walks into a bar and asks for a pint.
The bar man says "We don't serve noble gases in here".
Argon doesn't react.

Why does the Fresh Prince hang out at the forge? Because he's a black Smith.

Had quite a scare yesterday. Though I was really ill. Everywhere I touched hurt. Touch my head, pain. Touch mu face, pain. Touch my chest, pain. touch my leg, pain.

I went to the Doc, and was very revealed when he showed me it was just a wood splinter in my finger.

There's a young girl in front of me walking.
I'm walking behind her.

She then starts walking quickly.
I'm starting walking quickly as well.

She's starts going even faster.
I'm pacing myself to match her.

She starts running.
I'm running now behind her.

She starts shouting "heeeeelp".
I'm running behind her shouting "HEEEEELP" as well.

I have no idea what we're running from, but I've sh@t myself.....

Noticed that I work in aviation and yet have not posted any aviation jokes. This must be rectified.

Q. What's the difference between a Jet Engine and a Flight Attendant?
A. The Jet Engine stops whining at the end of the flight

Q. What's the difference between God and Fighter Pilot.
A. God doesn't think he's a Fighter Pilot

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an aircraft

A little boy and his mother are on an aircraft. The boys says "mummy, if mommy and daddys can make babie, and mommy and daddy doggies make babies, how do mommy and daddy airplanes make babies?"
The mother says "I don't know, why don't you ask the pilot".
So the little boy goes to the pilot and asks him his question, and the pilot says "Our Airplanes don't make babies because we're Southwest Airlines and we pull out on time."

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

Moral of the Story
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

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The two most powerful warriors are patience and time…so remember: great achievements take time, there is no overnight success.

Ref the 130, saw a slogan last week, you can't kick donkey without AVgas. (it was the end of VC10 air refueling in UK I did not put DONKEY there)

The Ex-wife worked in the medical field and I've heard the 2nd one many times applied to doctors.

Any way the aviation jokes remind me of this anecdote from a book written by the pilot of an SR-71. Name of the book is "Sled Driver."

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{Insert clever sig line here}

I knew Scousers liked to grieve about stuff but f**king hell, they're still going on about the Black death.

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I remember when this website was all fields.

I was mowing the lawn today and noticed my neighbor was sitting on his patio having a beer. I thought to my self I seem to spend twice as much time as he does mowing. I walked over to him and said, how come you dont spend as much time as I do mowing the lawn.


He says, simple. I pore half a bottle of whiskey in with the seeds when I plant.

I asked, how does that help?

He replied, well, the grass comes up half cut.





( is this too regional? )

Sky news headlines today:
"Cilla Black cremation service held in Liverpool"
"England and Australia continue fight for ashes"

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I remember when this website was all fields.

- Congratulations sir, it's a boy. How are you going to call him?
- Oh, we decided Nick is a nice name.
- Hmmm, our records show that it's taken, what about Nick_20 or Nick2015@?

Farted on the bus earlier & 4 people turned around....
For a moment I thought was on the voice.

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Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

Did u srsly?

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PF1 Pick 10 Competition
8 Starts
1 Win
1 Podium
The sun was glaring; I could not see the flag.
#ForzaJules
#KeepFightingMichael

Daughter: Dad, I like girls.
Dad:That's ok, honey.
Other Daughter: Dad, I'm lesbian.
Dad: DOES ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE LIKE BOYS?!
Son: I do.

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Danger is real, fear is choice.
PF1 Pick 10 Competition
Best Round Result: 1st (Monaco '12 & '15, Silverstone '14, Austria '15, Mexico '15, China '16)
Podiums: 11
2018 Championship Standing: As good as Max in China

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh! Am I driving?"

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Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

:thud:

I love it! And just shared it with 20 other friends. Haha.

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[ Kimi Raikkonen ]
2007 Formula 1 World Drivers Champion

I was having a quick tinkle of the ivories when the wife walked past. I said " any requests love?"

She said " can you play 'a long way away'?"

I said I don't know that, who sung it?
She replied " its not a song, its a request"

Vettel and Alonso are in a desert. Evening comes, they set up their tent.
Both go to sleep. Alonso wakes up in the middle of the night.
Vettel isn't in the tent. He can hear something coming from outside the tent.
Alonso peeps out and sees Vettel running around the tent like crazy, a big lion after him...
Alonso: Run faster, he's gonna catch you!
Vettel: Don't worry, I lead by three laps..:O_o:.

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PF1 Pick 10 Competition
8 Starts
1 Win
1 Podium
The sun was glaring; I could not see the flag.
#ForzaJules
#KeepFightingMichael

(+ bonus for being an F1 joke)

Lead singer of a bad band: We've had a few requests, but we're gonna keep playing anyway.

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{Insert clever sig line here}

Woman is escorted into the court room to be arraigned for beating her husband to death with guitars from his collection.

Judge: First offender?
Woman: No your honor. First a Gibson then a Fender.

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{Insert clever sig line here}

This may have been posted before...

An 8 and a 0 are walking along the street. 8 is constantly complaining that he feels dizzy and can barely breathe.
0 turns to 8 and says, 'Well, if you insist on pulling in your belt so tight...'

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Where I'm going, I don't need roads

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her

ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together

at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in

agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.


'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man

replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still

clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She

gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his

pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then

administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments

and softly asked 'How does that feel'?

'Feels wonderful', he replied; but I think my thumb is still broken.

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Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

Just been reading the latest edition of the Oxford English Thesaurus. It's nothing to write house about.

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I remember when this website was all fields.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation, who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian &, as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' the old Indian responded, "but, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

I got handed (at 17:15 as I was literally on my way to the door) a 150 page report to proof read by tomorrow, but these have brightened my evening a little.

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Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

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Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali

A girl offered me oral sex if I'd post adds for her in facebook. Of course I rejected her. I'm married and I have a strong ethical code about these things. As strong as the new Cif with antibacterial action and vanilla scent!

Women's magazines:
Page 43: 'You look beautiful just the way you are.'
Page 44: Has Cheryl lost too much weight?
Page 45: 'Try this amazing recipe for the ultimate cheesecake'
Page 46: ''How to lose 15lbs in just 3 weeks'

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I remember when this website was all fields.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

After the usual sermon by a preacher and testimonials from friends and colleagues, everyone finally learned the purpose of a huge heart covered in flowers, on the wall behind the casket during the service.

After a moment of silence the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

The long, stunned hush of the mourners was broken when a man near the front burst into laughter.

The preacher demanded an explanation.

"I'm sorry," the man said, "I was just thinking of my own funeral -- I'm a gynaecologist."

At which point the proctologist fainted.

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Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali