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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 9:32 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 9:39 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
Want to hear a Potassium joke?

K

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 9:41 pm 
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Location: Fourth rock from the Sun!
Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.




That's enough :D

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 28, 2015 7:03 pm 
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My girlfriend told me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe...

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 28, 2015 7:14 pm 
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My neighbour came and knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that? 2:30! What kind of person goes around knocking on doors at that time of night?

Luckily for him I was up playing my drums.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 29, 2015 11:34 pm 
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A major redesign and reprint of Euros has been announced in Brussels. All future Euro notes will be printed on Greece proof paper.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2015 9:18 am 
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moose22 wrote:
Want to hear a Potassium joke?

K


Want to hear a Sodium joke?

Na.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2015 1:04 pm 
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Location: In the misty morning, on the edge of time.
mac_d wrote:
moose22 wrote:
Want to hear a Potassium joke?

K


Want to hear a Sodium joke?

Na.


Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK.

And one of my fav Chemistry jokes:

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" — and he died.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2015 2:02 pm 
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Saz wrote:

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" — and he died.


I work in a chemistry lab, so I've heard pretty much all of them before. I do like this one rather a lot though.

I think this one might have been in the thread before, but I always liked it.

Argon walks into a bar and asks for a pint.
The bar man says "We don't serve noble gases in here".
Argon doesn't react.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2015 3:29 pm 
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Why does the Fresh Prince hang out at the forge? Because he's a black Smith.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 02, 2015 2:18 pm 
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Had quite a scare yesterday. Though I was really ill. Everywhere I touched hurt. Touch my head, pain. Touch mu face, pain. Touch my chest, pain. touch my leg, pain.

I went to the Doc, and was very revealed when he showed me it was just a wood splinter in my finger.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:41 am 
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There's a young girl in front of me walking.
I'm walking behind her.

She then starts walking quickly.
I'm starting walking quickly as well.

She's starts going even faster.
I'm pacing myself to match her.

She starts running.
I'm running now behind her.

She starts shouting "heeeeelp".
I'm running behind her shouting "HEEEEELP" as well.

I have no idea what we're running from, but I've sh@t myself.....


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:55 am 
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Location: In the misty morning, on the edge of time.
Noticed that I work in aviation and yet have not posted any aviation jokes. This must be rectified.

Q. What's the difference between a Jet Engine and a Flight Attendant?
A. The Jet Engine stops whining at the end of the flight

Q. What's the difference between God and Fighter Pilot.
A. God doesn't think he's a Fighter Pilot

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an aircraft

A little boy and his mother are on an aircraft. The boys says "mummy, if mommy and daddys can make babie, and mommy and daddy doggies make babies, how do mommy and daddy airplanes make babies?"
The mother says "I don't know, why don't you ask the pilot".
So the little boy goes to the pilot and asks him his question, and the pilot says "Our Airplanes don't make babies because we're Southwest Airlines and we pull out on time."

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

Moral of the Story
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 1:08 pm 
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Saz wrote:
Noticed that I work in aviation and yet have not posted any aviation jokes. This must be rectified.

Q. What's the difference between a Jet Engine and a Flight Attendant?
A. The Jet Engine stops whining at the end of the flight

Q. What's the difference between God and Fighter Pilot.
A. God doesn't think he's a Fighter Pilot

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an aircraft

A little boy and his mother are on an aircraft. The boys says "mummy, if mommy and daddys can make babie, and mommy and daddy doggies make babies, how do mommy and daddy airplanes make babies?"
The mother says "I don't know, why don't you ask the pilot".
So the little boy goes to the pilot and asks him his question, and the pilot says "Our Airplanes don't make babies because we're Southwest Airlines and we pull out on time."

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

Moral of the Story
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!



Ref the 130, saw a slogan last week, you can't kick donkey without AVgas. (it was the end of VC10 air refueling in UK 8O I did not put DONKEY there)


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 1:40 pm 
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Saz wrote:
Noticed that I work in aviation and yet have not posted any aviation jokes. This must be rectified.

Q. What's the difference between a Jet Engine and a Flight Attendant?
A. The Jet Engine stops whining at the end of the flight

Q. What's the difference between God and Fighter Pilot.
A. God doesn't think he's a Fighter Pilot

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an aircraft

A little boy and his mother are on an aircraft. The boys says "mummy, if mommy and daddys can make babie, and mommy and daddy doggies make babies, how do mommy and daddy airplanes make babies?"
The mother says "I don't know, why don't you ask the pilot".
So the little boy goes to the pilot and asks him his question, and the pilot says "Our Airplanes don't make babies because we're Southwest Airlines and we pull out on time."

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

Moral of the Story
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

The Ex-wife worked in the medical field and I've heard the 2nd one many times applied to doctors.

Any way the aviation jokes remind me of this anecdote from a book written by the pilot of an SR-71. Name of the book is "Sled Driver."
Quote:
One day, high above Arizona, we were monitoring the radio traffic of all the mortal airplanes below us. First, a Cessna pilot asked the air traffic controllers to check his ground speed. ‘Ninety knots,’ ATC replied. A twin Bonanza soon made the same request. ‘One-twenty on the ground,’ was the reply. To our surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio with a ground speed check. I knew exactly what he was doing. Of course, he had a ground speed indicator in his cockpit, but he wanted to let all the bug-smashers in the valley know what real speed was. ‘Dusty 52, we show you at 620 on the ground,’ ATC responded.

The situation was too ripe. I heard the click of Walter’s mike button in the rear seat. In his most innocent voice, Walter startled the controller by asking for a ground speed check from 81,000 feet, clearly above controlled airspace. In a cool, professional voice, the controller replied, ‘Aspen 20, I show you at 1,982 knots on the ground.’ We did not hear another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2015 6:46 pm 
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I knew Scousers liked to grieve about stuff but f**king hell, they're still going on about the Black death.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 10:11 pm 
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I was mowing the lawn today and noticed my neighbor was sitting on his patio having a beer. I thought to my self I seem to spend twice as much time as he does mowing. I walked over to him and said, how come you dont spend as much time as I do mowing the lawn.


He says, simple. I pore half a bottle of whiskey in with the seeds when I plant.

I asked, how does that help?

He replied, well, the grass comes up half cut.





( is this too regional? )


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2015 10:24 pm 
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Sky news headlines today:
"Cilla Black cremation service held in Liverpool"
"England and Australia continue fight for ashes"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 10, 2015 7:46 am 
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- Congratulations sir, it's a boy. How are you going to call him?
- Oh, we decided Nick is a nice name.
- Hmmm, our records show that it's taken, what about Nick_20 or Nick2015@?


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 2:33 am 
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Farted on the bus earlier & 4 people turned around....
For a moment I thought was on the voice.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 13, 2015 11:24 am 
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huggybear wrote:
Why does the Fresh Prince hang out at the forge? Because he's a black Smith.

Did u srsly?

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2015 1:52 am 
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Daughter: Dad, I like girls.
Dad:That's ok, honey.
Other Daughter: Dad, I'm lesbian.
Dad: DOES ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE LIKE BOYS?!
Son: I do.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2015 4:09 am 
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh! Am I driving?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2015 4:48 pm 
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Banana Man wrote:
My girlfriend told me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe...


:thud:

I love it! And just shared it with 20 other friends. Haha.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2015 5:49 pm 
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I was having a quick tinkle of the ivories when the wife walked past. I said " any requests love?"

She said " can you play 'a long way away'?"

I said I don't know that, who sung it?
She replied " its not a song, its a request"


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2015 10:41 pm 
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Vettel and Alonso are in a desert. Evening comes, they set up their tent.
Both go to sleep. Alonso wakes up in the middle of the night.
Vettel isn't in the tent. He can hear something coming from outside the tent.
Alonso peeps out and sees Vettel running around the tent like crazy, a big lion after him...
Alonso: Run faster, he's gonna catch you!
Vettel: Don't worry, I lead by three laps..:O_o:.

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The sun was glaring; I could not see the flag.
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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2015 12:57 pm 
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Schumaker, Seven wrote:
Vettel and Alonso are in a desert. Evening comes, they set up their tent.
Both go to sleep. Alonso wakes up in the middle of the night.
Vettel isn't in the tent. He can hear something coming from outside the tent.
Alonso peeps out and sees Vettel running around the tent like crazy, a big lion after him...
Alonso: Run faster, he's gonna catch you!
Vettel: Don't worry, I lead by three laps..:O_o:.


:lol:

(+ bonus :nod: for being an F1 joke)


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 27, 2015 6:52 pm 
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moby wrote:
I was having a quick tinkle of the ivories when the wife walked past. I said " any requests love?"

She said " can you play 'a long way away'?"

I said I don't know that, who sung it?
She replied " its not a song, its a request"

Lead singer of a bad band: We've had a few requests, but we're gonna keep playing anyway.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 27, 2015 6:54 pm 
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Woman is escorted into the court room to be arraigned for beating her husband to death with guitars from his collection.

Judge: First offender?
Woman: No your honor. First a Gibson then a Fender.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 6:24 am 
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This may have been posted before...

An 8 and a 0 are walking along the street. 8 is constantly complaining that he feels dizzy and can barely breathe.
0 turns to 8 and says, 'Well, if you insist on pulling in your belt so tight...'

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 10:09 pm 
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her

ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together

at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in

agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.


'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man

replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still

clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She

gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his

pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then

administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments

and softly asked 'How does that feel'?

'Feels wonderful', he replied; but I think my thumb is still broken.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2015 11:21 pm 
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Just been reading the latest edition of the Oxford English Thesaurus. It's nothing to write house about.

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 2:50 pm 
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Location: Sydney, Australia
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation, who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian &, as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' the old Indian responded, "but, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 5:12 pm 
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ob1kenobi.23 wrote:
Golf Joke


:lol: :lol: :lol:

DrG wrote:
Medicine Man Joke


:lol: :lol: :lol:

I got handed (at 17:15 as I was literally on my way to the door) a 150 page report to proof read by tomorrow, but these have brightened my evening a little.


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 9:37 pm 
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DrG wrote:
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation, who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian &, as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' the old Indian responded, "but, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.



:-(( :-(( :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2015 9:38 pm 
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mac_d wrote:
ob1kenobi.23 wrote:
Golf Joke


:lol: :lol: :lol:

DrG wrote:
Medicine Man Joke


:lol: :lol: :lol:

I got handed (at 17:15 as I was literally on my way to the door) a 150 page report to proof read by tomorrow, but these have brightened my evening a little.



Image

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Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2015 7:46 am 
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A girl offered me oral sex if I'd post adds for her in facebook. Of course I rejected her. I'm married and I have a strong ethical code about these things. As strong as the new Cif with antibacterial action and vanilla scent!


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 03, 2015 12:04 pm 
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Women's magazines:
Page 43: 'You look beautiful just the way you are.'
Page 44: Has Cheryl lost too much weight?
Page 45: 'Try this amazing recipe for the ultimate cheesecake'
Page 46: ''How to lose 15lbs in just 3 weeks'

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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 11, 2015 12:01 am 
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Joined: Tue May 10, 2011 11:47 pm
Posts: 1147
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

After the usual sermon by a preacher and testimonials from friends and colleagues, everyone finally learned the purpose of a huge heart covered in flowers, on the wall behind the casket during the service.

After a moment of silence the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

The long, stunned hush of the mourners was broken when a man near the front burst into laughter.

The preacher demanded an explanation.

"I'm sorry," the man said, "I was just thinking of my own funeral -- I'm a gynaecologist."

At which point the proctologist fainted.

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Champions are made from something they have deep inside of them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have the skill & the will but the will must be stronger than the skill. Muhammad Ali


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 Post subject: Re: The Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 1:06 pm 
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Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2012 10:45 am
Posts: 1434
Location: Sydney, Australia
:lol: :lol: :lol:


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