Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start'
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks
are too high.'
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty
and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family,
so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my
younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other
one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying
on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the
man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches
out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes
him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and
put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Monkey and an Hyena, best of mates were walking through the jungle when the
Hyena was attacked by a vicious Lion. The Monkey escaped up a nearby tree and
watched his friend the Hyena being mauled and ripped to bits.
Once the fight was over the Hyena was only just alive and turned to the Monkey and said.
"Why didn't you come and help me?" And the Monkey replied, "The way you were laughing
I thought you were winning so I didn't bother."
I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house
that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other.
The doctor asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' I said 'you have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
That's enough.
Tommy Cooper - legend
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